It Was An Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Paul Frank Bikini

Well my swimsuit order finally arrived yesterday. You might remember I ordered this:

I ordered it in a size 10 and a size 12, so I could try them both and make up my mind.

Instead of the 10 I got this:

It's a size 6 girls. It has the right label on the package, but the wrong item in the package. I don't think this is going to work very well.

Of course the 12 is too big through the tummy area and my cup runneth over up top, so I am not holding out alot of hope that the 10 will work once it gets here either.

Stalking Isn't Always A Bad Thing...

Did you know that I stalked my husband? It's true. I met Dubelicious and thought he was cute and snarky and sweet all at once. I was smitten from the first time he made fun of me for my nerdish tendencies.

I am a very motivated person and when I find something I want, I am going to get it. I posted up every day for a about a year and a half "studying" on a bench that was strategically placed between the football field and the cafeteria.

There was no avoiding me. A man has to eat after football practice. About 1 semester in, I discovered he had a a major crush on my new room-mate. This would deter many a woman, but not me. I am not a quitter.

I did what any motivated woman would do. I lied. I would tell him that Val should be home any minute and let him hang out in our dorm room*. We would hang out for hours at a time listening to Bob Marley, watching movies, studying and becoming best friends.

The rest as they say is history. While stalking may not work for most people, it worked for me.

*C-Diddy is reading over my shoulder and just laughed out loud at this.

Prevent Domestic Violence - Send Your Spouse on Vacation

Big Daddy Dub Dub is in New Mexico spending the better part of the week at a resort because he needed a break from work and the joys of opening his new office. He was polite and asked me to come with him even though he knew I couldn't go.

Four nights at a resort outside of Santa Fe -$400.
Preventing a murder/suicide - Priceless.

Not real sure who was going to be the murderer in the deal, but the odds weren't looking good for either one of us.

I got his room on Priceline and if you've never tried their name your own price deal, you really should. The only downside is that the rooms are completely nonrefundable. This worked out well for him since HIS MOM and AUNT decided to come stay with ME this weekend.

They are heading home tomorrow. Mar-Dub is going to Camp tomorrow, and it will just be C-Diddy and I hanging for the rest of the week. I have grand plans to order a pizza and see how long the two of us can live off of it without cooking or doing any dishes. I am also planning on blowing $10 at Redbox and see how many movies we can watch before our minds turn into mush.

Proof Positive

Lest you think I just make this stuff up:

Too Stupid For The Dry Cleaners

We may have to ban ourselves from the dry cleaners for a while. I had two overstuffed bags this week and it would seem that a sneaky little washcloth might have crept its way into the bag. Dubelicious has given me much grief this evening since he brought the clothes in and found it folded neatly over a hanger in its own bag.

Did you know they only charge $1.50 for dry cleaning a washcloth? A bargain I tell you. Once he was done giving me shit about what an idiot I was, he realized half of the clothes were missing.

Then he about had a panic attack because he had about $5000 worth of custom clothes missing. I know it sounds really snooty and what not, but the man has 32 inch thighs and a 38 inch waste. You can't buy that off the rack.

What was truly scary was the way he made a list for me of exactly what was missing in about 30 seconds flat. I am talking 9 shirts and 3 pairs of pants identified down the color/stripe/collar combination here. He is such a clothes whore.

Then he made me find out what time the cleaners opened and gather all of the receipts from the bags as well as print out the charge from the cleaners on the credit card so we had our "evidence".

About an hour later we walked outside and the other half of the clothes were hanging on the hook where they belong. Jackass only grabbed half of the clothes and never thought he could have possibly been the source of the missing clothes.

Swim Suits are Evil!

I used to be little. Then I got big. Now I am somewhere in the middle. I have managed to avoid buying a swimsuit for the last year and a half, but I have to do it since we are taking my daughter to Great Wolf Lodge for her birthday.

With much fear and loathing I went to Nordstrom to try stuff on . I'm usually too cheap for Nordstrom, but I need all the help money can buy with this purchase.

Can anyone tell me why they light the mall with the lights that make my pasty white skin glow in the dark? Wouldn't they sell more clothes if you actually looked good in them? I'm just asking.

About 5 minutes in after being blinded by the light and in absolute awe of the hail damage, I was convinced that the Duggars have swimsuit shopping down. Now I am neither conservative or modest, but they are onto something with women keeping covered between their elbows and knees.

I am not a quitter and so I kept trying and trying. Of course they didn't have anything in the right sizes, but I think I have settled on a combo that will cover most of what needs to be hidden for the good of society and not have me looking like I am going to splash day at the convent. Here is what I have ordered:




Cross your fingers for me that it will actually look OK when it is all said and done. I'm not holding out alot of hope since the swimsuit model's boobs are much closer to her shoulders than her elbows.

Good Thing I Don't Drink Coffee

I always find loose change in the kitchen, so I keep a coffee can in the pantry with change in it. Unfortunately, I also keep a coffee can of coffee in the pantry. This morning in my haste to clean up before the cleaning people get here (I know it is so wrong) I dropped my change in the coffee can with the coffee. Good thing I don't drink coffee.

Change has been removed and put in the proper receptacle. I'm an ass. I should have seen it coming. What's worse is that I have done nothing to keep this from happening again. That would be too much work.

We'll keep this our little secret and not tell Big Chocolate. I don't want to have to buy a new can of coffee. It would cost me all of my change I've saved up.