Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Conversation That Just Won't Die

So Big Chocolate and I are hanging out while he is sorting laundry this weekend. Yes, I am sad to report that I have been banned from doing laundry. He says he's doing it because my back has been so messed up lately. I think the big guy is seriously concerned that I was going to have to join AA if I kept doing the laundry.

Anyhow, as he sits there sorting the clothes, he asks, "Why is it called 'a thong' when they are called 'a pair of panties'?" We engage in about a 30 minute long discussion that debates, pair of pants, pair of shorts, pair of underwear.... I come up to the conclusion that a pant leg covers one leg so a pair of pants must be a pair of two pants legs and the saying must have evolved from there. I further conclude that a pair of panties is called a pair of panties because it covers two ass cheeks while a thong is simply "a" something that fills space.

He retorts with a quick "But you could see how someone could call it a pair of thongs, right? I mean I call it a thong, but you see how someone could call it a pair right?"Sure yeah whatever. Can I have this half hour of my life back please?

About 8 hours later we are at the football game. Big Chocolate looks at me with this most amazing smile, like he has discovered the secrets of the universe, and says "Jock Strap!"

Yes dear it is a jock strap, not a pair of jock straps even though it covers two ... nevermind. Fast forward to today when we're putting up the laundry. Big chocolate announces with his big grin again, "I have a pair of thongs for you to put up."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Giving Thanks the Half-Assed Way

It has been a crappy couple of days/weeks/months here at the Half-Assed's. I thought it was only right to take a moment and give thanks. So here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this holiday season.
  1. Diet Dr. Pepper - I know I should be thankful for clean water to drink since like 80% of the world risks contracting ebola every time they take a sip, but for today I am thankful for the fix I get when I pop the top on a cold can. Some people are addicted to heroin - I've got Diet Dr. Pepper on my side.
  2. Netflix Live Streaming Downloads - I know it sounds shallow, but it has allowed Big Chocolate and I to include our children in a long held Half-Assed tradition - watching as many seasons of a TV show as we can in as short an amount of time as possible. Our previous record had been an entire season of 24 in 2 days. We are shattering that record with 3 Seasons of Heros in under a week. It's that damn To Be Continued I tell you.
  3. 33 cent a pound Turkeys - I have 5 in the freezer so far. Yes, I keep breaking my grocery shopping in to $20 increments and using as many coupons as possible to get my total down as low as possible. Being a Value Whore is the one thing I don't half-ass
  4. Big Chocolate - Need I say more??? Plus who the heck is supposed to cook all of those turkeys?
  5. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber - Who else could make attempted murder so much darn fun?
  6. Jesus Christ, My Lord and Savior - I know I am irreverent and a fan of bad, bad words, but without his presence in my daily life, I do not know how I would make it. He is there to comfort me when all feels lost and to provide when I have exhausted all of my "humanly possible" options. He is able to use me as his tool when even when I don't realize it and am not in the mood to be that helpful.
  7. Spell Check - All I can say is quite possibly the greatest invention of all time. I'm still working on the "privacy window" that limo's have for the family car though.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Check Out Our Christmas Cards

Well 2/3's of them. No offense, but unless I know you, I don't want you stalking me so I cut off the part with our last name. Sorry the picture sucks, but I'm working with my cell phone and the kitchen table here. Mar Dub created the artwork on her computer. She is a little graphic artist in training I tell you. The white band at the bottom is snow. I had to ask. She cut the star off on purpose or so she says....
Then I went to and uploaded the picture added the text and viola - Christmas cards are complete. Best of all using the promo code "newbaby" I got 50 of them FREE. I didn't even have to pay shipping. I got them in about 3 days. And I have already addressed and stuffed 6 envelopes!

Winter Coats

With it finally getting cold here, we just pulled out the winter jackets. Both of my kids sleeves came up to damn near their elbows! I was able to find Mar Dub a coat at a resale shop for $12, but haven't been able to find anything for Chris in my price range (AKA - broke).

Well, my prayers have been answered... Old Navy will have their Frost Free Jackets on sale Black Friday for $15. Yes, it could be a beating, but here is my advice. Go buy the coat you want now. Friday when the craziness dies down you can take your receipt in to the store and they will do a price adjustment and refund the difference. They also are going to be having adult jeans on sale for $15 if you need any of those.

Mom - if you still need cheap blankets they will have Fleece Blankets for $5 on Saturday after Thanksgiving too.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

So I Lost My Cell Phone

So, I lost my cell phone the other day. One minute I had it out talking on my way into Subway. The next thing I know I am in my car about a block away with the cell no where to be found. I turn around and go back to Subway. I go in and ask if anybody has seen it. Of course no one has laid eyes on it.

A nice lady offers to call my cell so we can hear it ring if it's somewhere in the store. Great, we call the number and the next thing I know is that to my relief/horror/utter amazement my ass starts playing Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.

You see, with my hands full, no pockets and needing to pay for my lunch, I apparently tucked the phone into the back of my waistband. Only problem is because I have had so many surgeries I don't really feel it when something touches the skin on the small of my back. I was completely clueless.

On the bright side, I found my phone. Big Chocolate never has to know about this unfortunate incident, and I made a whole lot of people's day at Subway.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

This Is So Not Like Me!!!

I wanted to brag/confess/shake my head in disbelief for all to see that I am now officially an entrepreneur/sucker/excited mompreneur.

The bragging (and entrepreneur) part: I have a new website. It's It's a nifty name isn't it? If you go to the Book Travel Button, you can sign up as a preferred customer for free and book all of your travel needs.

Great deals on planes, trains and automobiles plus hotels and cruiseships await you with two simple clicks. It's really cool because it pulls deals from all three of the databases that Expedia, Orbitz and Travelocity pull from. They only pull from one each though. Plus when you book through me you have access to 30 minutes of Free Concierge service. I wonder if I spelled that right???

Also, if you click on the Dream Trips Button, you can peruse the calendar of uber-cheap Dream-Trips or click on the little TV screen at the bottom left and watch a quick video about the Costco of the travel industry.

Now for the confession (and sucker) part: The business is part of a Multi-level Marketing thingamabopper. I know. I know. I went as a favor to a friend and accidentally drank the Kool-

If you know me at all, you know how cynical/antagonistic I am when someone is trying to sell me something. You should see me rip apart insurance salesmen who can't do the math as well as I can on a whole life policy. The lottery is a tax on people who can't do math. They just don't know it. Well as I watched the presentation and hung with them through the math of the non-pyramid, I was getting excited by the velocity of the growth potential.

So even though I started the evening off leaning over to my husband and telling him I felt fresh as a Summer's Eve because I was surrounded by folks who seriously fit the douche profile. I found myself motivated and willing to step outside of my comfort zone. I would love to take this opportunity to shout out to the girl on TMZ who referred to Jon Gosselin's shirt as having the douche font. It sort of struck a cord with me.

Finally the shake my head in disbelief (excited mompreneur part): So I am the Half-Assed Housewife. I catch iced tea on fire. How the hell am I going to have time for all of this and not fuck it up? Short answer is I really don't know. Rest assured, I am not going to become the creepy Amway chick. Thank God for the rest of the women out there I don't have to hawk facials. That would be bad.

I do know that I am excited by the opportunity to earn an income with my sexy new website (plus the tax write-offs). I spent about $300 on the whole shebang (I say that all the time, but have no idea how to spell it) and that got me the opportunity to go on trips with my family that I otherwise couldn't afford, the opportunity to make money when people I know do what they already do - book travel and the opportunity to help other folks like me that are looking for a chance to make their family's life better. Hey, you can't succeed if you don't try right???

If you want to learn more about this amazing opportunity or just check out what I've gotten myself into and laugh at me, you can go to by clicking on the banner ad on the right.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Halloween Pictures

Halloween is the Half Assed Housewife's favorite holiday. We always go all out decorating the house. This year we had a skeleton in a glowing coffin, Marcus the Carcus that glows and looks like he is clawing his way up through the ground, bone lights around all of the flowerbead and the burried pirate. The pirate is the only pic that turned out really well. That's Marcus the Carcus' head to the left of the pirate.

This is my crew of trick or treater's. C-Diddy is in the scream mask. His friend Riley was the only one brave enough to show his face. Mar Dub and her best friend (my other daughter) Hip Hop were dressed up as "Monster Beanie Babies".

Mar Dub's feet are so big that I had to cut the ends off of the footie pajamas. She wears a size 8 1/2 shoe at age 10. She has her daddy's feet.
Here's the loot!

She's smiling even though she recceived a Sonic peppermint and a AA battery in her treat bag. I admit I picked out all of the candy that Big Chocolate and I like before I started passing out candy. And I told the kids they had to be prepared to come home at a moments notice so I could regift their "bad candy" if I ran out. Sonic peppermints and used batteries never crossed my mind.

This is Hip Hop unmasked. And people wonder why we call her Hip Hop...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Adventures in Home Maintenance

Yesterday, Big Chocolate knocked my socks off and fixed our doorbell. It no longer rings itself in the middle of the night. Best of all it only cost $3.50 to fix. Woo Hoo.

Well not to be outdone, I decided to replace the two electrical plug covers today that have managed to break themselves in new and interesting ways. I went to the Depot and spent my $1.19 and came home to replace the covers.

As I am sitting there with my screw driver, about to unscrew a screw that is less than 1/4" from actual electricity, I start to wonder if I should turn off the power just in case I slip. Then I start to think about what a pain in the ass it will be to have to get up and go out to the garage. And then I'll have to reset the alarm clock I just reset yesterday. And how the hell am I going to see the screw I am screwing if I'm in the dark?

At this point I pretty much say "Fuck it" and decide that if I earn a Darwin award, I will have earned it. Plus I have a decent amount of life insurance, so it'll all be OK. I get the plates off alright, but when it comes to screwing the new one in, the screw driver seems awfully unstable. I start to go through all of my previous concerns again, and am struck with a moment of genius.

I did what any real woman would do. I screwed the screws in with my thumbnail!