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Monday, August 31, 2009

Boys

Picking up the house this morning for the cleaning people, I found drumsticks sitting in front of C-Diidy's toilet. I'll give you a good book, magazine, hell even a rubics cube, but druming while you shit is just too much. I seriously hope he wasn't counting that towards his band practice requirements.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Blinderman, This One's for You

I hesitate to post this because my favorite property manager AKA Blinderman reads my blog, Since I am 99.99% certain there was no actual property damage, I'm going to share.

Mar-Dub came up to the office with me tonight and asked to make popcorn. Unknowingly, she put a single serve bag in and hit the popcorn button. Next thing we know we have the nasty burnt popcorn smell. Trying not to piss off Big Chocolate too badly, I try my best to minimize the damage.

I haul ass down the hall to the ladies room and put it in the trash can. The trash can that is filled with used paper towels. I stand back for a second and ponder exactly how pissed the big guy is going to be about the burnt popcorn. I open my eyes and see smoke rising from the trashcan.

Damn it. Big Chocolate and Blinderman are going to be really pissed if I burn down the new office. I grab the smoldering bag and throw it in the sink. Then I have to go fishing in the trash can to make sure that none of the paper towels are actually on fire or smoldering. All good there. Just to be safe, I wet a handful of paper towels and toss it in too. I hung around for a couple of hours waiting on movers, and the building didn't burn down, so I am pretty sure we are out of the woods. Unless, I try to make iced tea that is...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

These are the Pictures of My Day

If you ever have wondered why doing the laundry drives me to drink, now you know.


This photo was taken after 4 very large loads had already been done. For reference, we are talking about 6' X 4' area that is oh say a foot and a half deep!

These are the leftovers from dinner tonight.


It was a really easy recipe from My First Kitchen. I doubled it and only C-Diddy complained. He said the chicken was dry. I told him no shit you sat around for an hour with the chicken all torn up and trying to pick the pepper and rosemary off. Boys!

Mar-Dub acted like the carrots were poisonous. That is until I offered to make her some asparagus. Suddenly the carrots weren't such a bad option.


This is Mr. Maturity separating egg yolks so we (he) could make ice cream.


Today was a good day!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Fashion Advice

If you are the parent of a big child, do not, I repeat, do not dress your child in all purple. Depending on the distribution of the bigness, your kid is either going to look like Barney or the Snooty Bitch after she blew up in Willy Wonka. The Purple People Eater is not a cute nickname.

If you are a big grown up, do not wear a shirt advertising "Lose 3 Sizes in 10 Minutes". Either the shit your advertising didn't stick, or you were huge as a freaking whale when you started.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Quote of The Day

I have made it 34 years without ever walking into the men's room, and I really thought I was out of the woods. Alas, today I was walking into the restroom at the office while checking my email on my phone. I get about 3 steps in and think, "Hmm, It's colder in here than usual". I look around and sure enough there are two urinals to my right. On the bright side, no one was using them, so it's almost like it never happened.

Normally this would be the most embarrassing event in our family's day, but Big Chocolate took the kids to the country club for dinner tonight. I had to drive to the main post office in Dallas to get some stuff in the mail so he needed to "cook".

While they are eating desert, they are talking about their favorites and C-Dub loudly proclaims "The best day of my life was when I was constipated!" I can't help but think that the kid really has had a crappy life if his best days were spent constipated. Sorry I was feeling punny. I digress.

Anywho it was not the constipated day that was the best. It was the day he spent with his dad preceding his debut as Captain Constipation that was the greatest ever. My 7 year old at the time ate all sorts of junk including a footlong chili cheese dog and super-sonic size chili cheese tater tots all by himself. I'm still in awe of how this slowed things down instead of speeding them up but hey, the human body is an amazing thing.

Needless to say I don't think we will be taking the kids back to the country club anytime soon. I will also be carefully checking the signs on bathroom doors to avoid future humiliation.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Summer Project

Big Chocolate & I have been working on a big project all summer. We have been building out and moving into his new, all grown up, not half assed office space. It is 3600 square feet of hard work and love. Here are a few pictures from the reception area...

This is our sign. It ended up being a foot and a half longer than it was supposed to be. It barely fit. Yikes.

This is the receptionist's desk. That bad boy is 14 feet wide and could fit 2 receptionists. Unfortunately, we don't even have one yet. This is where I sit and blog during the day until my office furniture arrives. There are supposed to be pendent lights hanging above the desk, but they got stuck in customs.


This is the sitting area in the reception area. We still need to hang pictures and what not, but we're almost there.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fool Proof Pot Roast

Theta Mom inspired me to "cut and dump" dinner tonight. What's even better is that I didn't even have to cut for this recipe. It takes less than 10 minutes hands on time and is delicious every time. Here's the skinny.

You start by grabbing an ass. I mean a rump roast. Season it VERY well with Salt and Garlic powder and sprinkle with flour. I do all of this while the meat is still in it's package so I don't have extra dishes. I'm lazy like that.

Brown seasoned side down and then season the other side while the first side is cooking. I like to shave seconds off where ever I can. When the roast is well browned, remove from the heat and remove to your crock pot. I have a cast aluminum crock pot so I get to cheat and brown in the actual crock pot insert. Again less dishes.

Dump a package of Beefy Onion soup mix on top. Pour in a cup of beef broth and a cup of decent red wine. Your aiming for about 2 cups of liquid here. You know me better than to expect that I would actually measure. If I only have a half cup of wine, I roll with it and use more beef broth. Put the crock pot on low for about 8 hours and dinner is served.

Using the beefy onion, the beef broth and red wine gives the roast that extra rich beefy taste. I use Big House Red when I cook. It's decent wine and it has a screw top (I know it's classy) which makes it so much easier to throw the bottle back in the fridge.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mar-Dub and the Beanstalk

I know I don't write too much about Mar-Dub. It's not that she's not as hilarious and wheels off as the rest of us. She's just a little more sensitive about it. For this reason I am going to do my damnedest to keep her stories from back when she was an itty bitty.

When Mar-Dub was about 4 1/2 she came to me to tell me that her sink was clogged up. W goes in to check it out and there was literally a plant growing up from the bottom of the sink. His first question is "How in the hell?"

Then I think back to that fateful day I was making pinto beans. Mar-Dub wanted to play with the beans and I thought "Cool. She can't possibly make a mess with a handful of beans". Boy was I wrong. It seems she was washing them off in her sink and dropped them down the drain.

As we all know from the plant growing experiments in elementary school a bean just needs a cool damp place and a light source to grow towards and that bad boy becomes a beanstalk.

Big Chocolate Is Lucky To Be Alive

A lesser woman would have killed him. Last night when he got home we were sitting on the couch cuddling, laughing and all that good stuff. He has his arm around me and next thing I know he is poking me in my stomach and makes the Pillsbury Doughboy sound. Blank Now keep in mind this is all very subconscious. It wasn't that he did it to fuck with me. He just did it. For the second time in as many weeks. The first time I let it slide. This time all I could say was "That is so wrong."

He doesn't realize what he's done because it was subconscious. I tell him and at first he tries denying it. Then I tell him it's the second time he's done it. He says "No Shit" and begins to go into lawyer mode trying to explain that I had to be making a mistake. According to him I misunderstood what he meant.

At this point I poke him in the stomach and make the sound. Lawyer mode quickly fails him when he starts laughing his ass off because after all it is funny as hell.

The sick thing is I kind of want to go to marriage counseling over this. Not because I think we have problems (Well we do obviously have problems, just not of the marital variety), but because I want to see if there is a counselor out there that is able to keep a straight face and maintain their professionalism while being told this story.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Random Fact

Let me preface what is about to follow by saying I am a really smart person. I have an IQ in the ballpark of 150. I don't usually go bragging about that, but I need to make sure everyone understands that even though I am about to sound like Jessica Simpson's stupid sister, I really am a bright girl. I just get confused sometimes.

In addition to getting people mixed up which ultimately led to the untimely death of James Brown, I get national landmarks mixed up. Up until, oh about 3 years ago, I thought the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls were in the same place.

I wasn't real firm on their location, but I knew they were together. Apparently I am the only person on the continent who has had trouble with this one, but I admit it. I thought Niagara Falls tumbled over the Grand Canyon.

Doesn't it make sense that a big ass waterfall would go over the edge of a big ass canyon? Obviously my parents weren't real big on road trips and I pretty much coasted through Geography, but surely someone out there can follow me on the logic. I'm not saying you have to admit that you thought they belonged together. I'm just looking for someone, anyone who can see how I could get there...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Won An A-Wierd

I mean an award from Missy at Life in Left Field. It is the "New Favorite Award".

Per Missy - In order to be considered for this award, your blog must be relatively new, I say with in the last 6 months. AND must evoke a response from me... Laughing out loud, Fit the bill for obnoxious, give me something useful in everyday life... You get the idea.Be kind and pass it on to just one of Your new favorite blogs.

With all of that said I would like to pass along my riches to:

The Grounded Drink Lady - staying home with 2 kids all day can drive you batty.

Confessions of a Pathological Procrastinator - apparently procrastination isn't just an American past time.

Wrestling with Retirement - Adjusting to being over the hill and putting the brakes on that decline. LOL

Living Life on Little Sugar Creek - Who new there were two Kaycee's out there?

and

The Half Assed Housewife - Who knew there were two Half Assed Housewives out there?

Since I am not smart enough to figure out how to get you the code on my own -go to Missy's blog. Just copy and paste the code as an HTML Gadget and the sexy Justin Timberlake abs are yours forever.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Bumper Sticker Confusion

So yesterday Big Chocolate and I were behind a pick-up truck with the following Bumper Stickers/Window Decals:

On the Back Window were:
  • 2 NRA Decals
  • American Flag
  • Confederate Flag
  • McCain/Palin '08
  • and My Favorite - Barack, Your Village Called. They Want Their Idiot Back.
On the Rear Bumper:
Two Bumper Stickers for different Spanish Language radio stations

Now I know I shouldn't make assumptions about people and all of that, but after literally hours of pondering the subject I can't get the Confederate Flag and the Spanish Radio Stations reconciled. It's almost as bad as when I try to balance our business accounts at the end of the month. It's just not happening.

In the interest of pondering more important issues in the world like why would someone name their child De Bruce, I'm going to have to punt and stick with the only explanation that makes any sense. I am saying that the Good Ol' Boy that was driving the truck bought it from someone who loved Spanish Radio and he hasn't discovered the greatness of Goo Gone.

PS. I really wanted to stalk the guy so I could get a good pic of the stickers, but Big Chocolate wouldn't play along.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Cooking for Credit

Big Chocolate says I never cook. The problem isn't that I never cook. It's that his happy ass is never home to eat when I cook. Tonight for dinner I made "Pizza Chicken" known in the real world as Chicken Parmigiana.

I came home from work to cook dinner while Big Chocolate stopped for Happy Hour Drinks. The kids and I have now eaten and cleaned the kitchen. When he gets home the food is going to have to be reheated which will officially make it "Left Overs".

Of course this means I don't get credit for cooking dinner tonight. Oh well. It was super yummy.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Yum

Look what I made yesterday! I made Peach Cobbler:

Yes, I realize that half of the food is gone in these photos, but I had to make sure it wasn't poisonous. I've made the peach cobbler before. I usually leave out about a 1/4 cup of the juice from the can so it isn't too runny. I also have to cook it for almost a full hour to get it all the way done. No, it isn't burnt on top, it's cinnamon. Unfortunately with me cooking it is a legitimate question.

The potatoes were great and so easy to make!!! I left out the green onions in the recipe because if C-Diddy sees green he starts picking it out immediately. Mar-Dub didn't like them because she doesn't do swiss cheese. By the time she made that proclamation I decided not to even try to make C-Diddy try them. I saved them for the grown ups instead of wasting them on the pallate of my unsophisticated children.

On a funny note the official recipe title for the potatoes is "Five Minute Potato Gratins" or some such while the prep time is listed as 15 minutes on the recipe.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Wonder About Lots Of Things

Usually I keep my thoughts to myself though, and for good reason. Tonight we were at dinner and they had the NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on the TV but muted. I look up and see this dude and below him is a line that says "DE BRUCE SMITH"

I read this and say "His mom is wrong for naming him that." Big Chocolate gives me this look that can only be interpreted as "What the fuck are you talking about?" I look at the screen again and say "Unless that's Defensive End Bruce Smith?"

At this point the big guy just hangs his head and shakes it in disbelief as I laugh my ass off because on the one hand I'm and idiot, but on the other it still kind of makes sense to me.

I try to change the subject and regain some of my dignity, but I still can't let it go. About five minutes later I have to ask the question "It's Demarcus Ware, right? Not Defensive End Marcus Ware?" At least I had that one right.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Oops I Did It Again

So, I don't know what the deal is with the laundry. Every time I have the best intentions. I start climbing Laundry Mountain and then I fall to peer pressure. I'll be darned if I didn't end up liquored up Tuesday night with laundry left over.

It's not exactly all my fault. Mar Dub ended up getting sick and having to go to the doctor Tuesday afternoon for an ass-load of antibiotics. I've always wanted to use that phrase literally. If I hadn't ever left the house I probably wouldn't have gotten so distracted. That sounds like a good excuse. I think I will stick with that.

Needless to say Wednesday, I had the joy of taking 4 kids to Great Wolf Lodge while slightly hung over. It was Mar Dub's birthday and she was still sick. She rode two water slides and asked to go back to the room and go to sleep.

Poor kid said it was the worst birthday ever. We're home now. She is still sick and C-Diddy just told me he has a headache and started coughing. I am ready to hunker down now. I have cold medicine for the kids. I ordered Chinese delivery. I even bought wine coolers so I can drink while I finish the laundry.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Laundry Mountain Part 2

Today is Laundry Day! Woo Hoo! I can hardly wait. Not. I have a weeks worth of camp clothes that smell "like the horse barn". Most of W's clothes from his trip last week. All of our normal clothes, plus the sheets, blankets and mattress pads from all 5 beds. Yikes!

I have already had a near miss. I reached in the dryer and pulled out what looked eerily like a pair of Big Daddy Dub Dub's dress pants. I about had a heart attack. I was already planning my escape to Mexico. Luckily for me it was a pair of black golf shorts that are lined around the waist band like a pair of dress pants would be. Whew.

I really hope today ends better than the last time I tried to climb laundry mountain.

Free Fun at Main Event

The kids and I have been having a blast at Main Event. I took C-Diddy last Monday to take advantage of their deal where for $20 you get unlimited bowling, laser tag, ropes course, billiards and a $10 game card. This deal is good from 4 to midnight on Mondays. We got there late, but were able to squeeze 7 hours of fun in!

At the store in Frisco, my receipt had an offer for a free $20 game card if you did their online survey. So I did it while the kids played. I took the receipt back yesterday and cashed it in for my free game card.

The same offer printed on my receipt that had a $0.00 total. I'm going to keep rolling that bad boy for as long as it lasts. They only restriction is that you can't use it the same day as your original "purchase".

Sunday, August 2, 2009

So I Know This Is Sad, But

I had the best time at CVS this morning. I've started getting up early on Sundays and heading to CVS when they open at 8 to cash in on my couponing deals for the week.

It's funny because this is when all the hard core couponers are there. There is this couple that is there every Sunday morning without fail. I love the husband because he has such a great attitude about couponing. Today he was asking for help finding the free stayfree. Ha Ha.

Another lady was there with her suitcase of coupons. We all ended up trading coupons so we could all get in on the good deals. I gave away 4 highly coveted electrasol coupons, but in return I got a couple of $2 off listerine coupons to take advantage of a deal we found there.

All in all, I got a rain check for 5 free electrasol, 4 bottles of listerine, blink eye drops, 4 bags of M&Ms, soft soap body wash, 2 compasses, 2 20 packs of pens, 2 bookcovers, 2 pair of scissors, 2 packages of glue sticks, 2 spiral notebooks and 2 folders for FREE. Actually I ended up leaving with a few more Extra Care Bucks than I came in with and it spit out a coupon for free advil.

My CVS has the best manager in the whole world. I can't wait until next Sunday morning to see everyone there!

I'm Notorious for Losing My Keys

I have searched through many trash cans and had many panic attacks over missing keys, but my dear sweet Dubelicious lost his keys the other day. Only problem is that he lost them while he was in the car.

He apparently went out to the car to look for some papers. He found the papers quickly, but then he couldn't find his keys. He took everything out of the car. He looked under seats. He checked pockets. He sat down in the front seat again exasperated and coming to terms with the fact he was going to have to call me for help.

Then divine inspiration struck and he checked the ignition. Yep, they had been there the whole time.