Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fun With Old People

It's like I can see 40 years into Big Chocolate's and my future.
  • Friend's mom has glaucoma surgery a few weeks ago.
  • Friend's mom enjoys wearing Lee Press on Nails.
  • Glue for Press on Nails comes in a bottle similar enough in shape for a blind 80 year old to get confused and think it is eye drops.
  • Blind 80 year old doesn't discover it's not eye drops until she has glued BOTH eyelids shut.
  • Blind 80 year old solicits boyfriend's assistance unglueing eyelids with nail polish remover.

Apparently she can still "see" and no emergency medical assistance was actually required. If it was ever in doubt, I am pretty sure I will never wear Lee Press on Nails again. I could never get them on straight when I was a kid anyway. I'm pretty sure Big Chocolate would refuse to participate in the unglueing of the eyelids. I might try the finger nail polish remover myself, but I doubt it. I think I'm too big of a chicken.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Merry New Year

We survived Christmas! It was a wonderful long weekend with both of our families and 700 miles in the car. Despite our seemingly perpetual brokeness, we were able to string together pretty much everything on the kids Christmas list. Now that the jig's up for Santa, their requests are much more reasonable.

Thanks to free item coupons, a free upgrade, and some great sales we were able to get everything for both kids for under $300. We'll come back to this in a minute I promise.

C-Dub received 3 video games, Clue Secrets and Spies, Rubik's 360, and a doo-hicky for his Nintendo DS.

Mar-Dub received a Tiffany's Charm Bracelet (with it's very own blue box), a new cell phone (free), pearl earrings (free), Connect 4 x 4, Guess Who Extra, a Rubber Band Ball and a 1 pound bag of rubber bands so she can make the world's largest rubber band ball.

Mar-Dub always asks for the strangest things. The rubber bands weren't even too off the wall. One year she asked for $1 million in QUARTERS. I had to convince her that it would be too heavy for Santa's sleigh.

Baby Samey (that's pronounced Sammy for those of you who don't know her) had her 8th Birthday this year and even got a new set of clothes!!! Her purple pajamas that say "Samantha" on the front seem to be worn threadbare after eight years of love.


I got the gift of a big girl who is still a little girl at heart! Samey still goes everywhere with Marley. She may be shoved to the bottom of the sleeping bag and rolled up so no one knows, but if Mar Dub is somewhere overnight Samey will be too.

Now I promised we would come back to the $300 we spent on Christmas gifts. Guess how much cash the grown-ups received for Christmas. Thanks to what I can only call God's continual provision, between parents, grandparents and a world-class job getting price adjustments and what I like to call re-shopping in the last couple of days, we have recouped almost to the penny the $300 we put into the kid's Christmas gifts.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Most Important Meal Of The Day

I had the yummiest breakfast the last two days. It's healthy to boot. I had Apple Baked Oatmeal. It had 1/4 cup of dried oats, 3/4 cup of apples, and 1.5 ounces of dairy product.

So I lie, I ate Apple Crumb Cobbler for breakfast the last 2 days. It did have all of the above ingredients. It's just that the dairy product happened to be butter and there was some brown sugar and flour involved too.

I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I did miss the perfect opportunity to add extra dairy and protein by topping it with a scoop of ice cream.

Friday, December 11, 2009

He's Got a Big Ego

Mar - Mom, Can you write Merry Christmas for me?

HAH - Do you not know how to spell Christmas?

Mar - I umm know the Chris part.

HAH - You need to know the Christ part goofball.

C-Diddy - I don't know, I would say we are on about the same level.

HAH - Have fun with that lightning bolt! I'm getting outta the way!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Christmas Carol that Keeps on Giving

I think this has to be my favorite Christmas Carol of all times.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Let Nothing You Dismay
Remember Christ Our Savior
Was Born Upon This Day
To Save Us All From Satan's Power
When We Have Gone Astray


Oh Tidings Of Comfort And Joy
Comfort And Joy
Oh Tidings Of Comfort And Joy


Yes, it's a Christmas song and people will look at you crazy if they hear you singing it to yourself in July, but ya know what? I still do.

Let me reconsider here. Anything anyone hears me singing is going to make them look at me crazy because I take the Making a Joyful Noise aproach rather than worrying about little details like keeping the tune, beat etc.

This is my every thing's gonna be OK song. Well this and Three Little Birds.

Can you tell I have been stressed out lately???

Monday, December 7, 2009

Not Me Monday


My mother did NOT try to kill me this weekend by coming over to my house after visiting a friend with dogs. My eyes did NOT start to swell shut while we were sitting together on the couch.

I did NOT have a full blown allergy and asthma meltdown resulting from this interaction. Even if I did, I would NOT accidentally blow my nose in a used dryer sheet instead of a Kleenex. That would have been stupid and irritating to my already sore nose.

I really would NOT have seriously considered sticking my head in the hinged door that said WASTE and was only 3 feet off the floor at the Post Office when my albuterol, benedryl and dayquill cocktail overwhelmed me. I most certainly would NOT have been excited about all of the calories I must have been burning from the meth factory in my stomach.

I definitely would NOT still sound like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle two days later. I was NEVER that sick, little, red-faced asthma kid you made fun of in elementary school.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Half Assed Housewife Strikes Again


I have had a bug up my butt to make flour tortillas for a while, but had not worked up the nerve to try. I found a recipe online and decided to give it a go today because I wanted tortillas, had no tortillas and didn't want to spend $2 on the package.
First the good:
  • I only put about 25 cents worth of ingredients into the recipe.
  • I made sure Big Chocolate was occupied so he wouldn't see what I was doing and make fun of me.
  • Mar Dub and I had fun playing with the dough.
  • We got to use our imaginations.
  • We got to identify a couple of the continents made out of tortilla.

Now the bad:

  • Big Chocolate finished his movie early.
  • And made much, much fun of me.
  • The tortillas were awful

I am pretty sure the error was in the cooking, not necessarily the dough making. Obviously shape is a problem, but if I can figure out how to cook them, then I'll buy a tortilla press to make them nice and round.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thankful Thursday

I've decided I am going to try to make Thursday's "Thankful Thursday" on the blog. It may be something silly and small, but I do have so much to be thankful for, surely I can come up with one thing a week.

For today, I am thankful for Victoria's Secret. No I didn't watch the fashion show. I like myself and I prefer to keep it that way. I am thankful free panties. Ever since I got on their mailing list I get a coupon for a free pair of panties every month or so. While my cups don't exactly runneth over up top, my panty drawer is going to at this rate.

What are you thankful for???

PS: Darn it all. I just noticed the coupon says "Free Panty" not "Free Pair of Panties". I better not tell Big Chocolate.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Notes To Self and a Half-Assed Give Away

  1. When your car windshield is covered with 2 inches or so of snow, it is probably a good idea to actually get all the way in the car and close the car door before you turn the car on and the windshield wipers start doing their thing. Nothing like a refreshing blast of snow all over you first thing in the morning.
  2. When you have already cursed yourself because of #1, you probably want to be really carefully when you roll the window down at the ATM because the snow that is still piled up on the driver's side window might fall in your lap.
  3. When going somewhere you have never been before, it is always best to remember to bring the address. Kristine, thanks for the Harry Potter costume you left for me on your front porch. Thank you even more for having your house on the market. It made it much easier to only have to stop at the houses that were for sale on your street instead of all of them. By the way, you live on a really long street.
  4. While the $2.50 kid's meal at Ikea was the right price and the perfect amount of food, you are still going to feel like an ass when people look at you crazy for eating from the kiddie dishes.

Now on to the Half-Assed Giveaway -

I have a much coveted 25% off coupon to the Coach Full Price Stores that I received in the mail. Oh how I wish I had the other 75% I would need to use it myself. First person to email me their address is the lucky winner.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Conversation That Just Won't Die

So Big Chocolate and I are hanging out while he is sorting laundry this weekend. Yes, I am sad to report that I have been banned from doing laundry. He says he's doing it because my back has been so messed up lately. I think the big guy is seriously concerned that I was going to have to join AA if I kept doing the laundry.

Anyhow, as he sits there sorting the clothes, he asks, "Why is it called 'a thong' when they are called 'a pair of panties'?" We engage in about a 30 minute long discussion that debates, pair of pants, pair of shorts, pair of underwear.... I come up to the conclusion that a pant leg covers one leg so a pair of pants must be a pair of two pants legs and the saying must have evolved from there. I further conclude that a pair of panties is called a pair of panties because it covers two ass cheeks while a thong is simply "a" something that fills space.

He retorts with a quick "But you could see how someone could call it a pair of thongs, right? I mean I call it a thong, but you see how someone could call it a pair right?"Sure yeah whatever. Can I have this half hour of my life back please?

About 8 hours later we are at the football game. Big Chocolate looks at me with this most amazing smile, like he has discovered the secrets of the universe, and says "Jock Strap!"

Yes dear it is a jock strap, not a pair of jock straps even though it covers two ... nevermind. Fast forward to today when we're putting up the laundry. Big chocolate announces with his big grin again, "I have a pair of thongs for you to put up."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Giving Thanks the Half-Assed Way

It has been a crappy couple of days/weeks/months here at the Half-Assed's. I thought it was only right to take a moment and give thanks. So here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this holiday season.
  1. Diet Dr. Pepper - I know I should be thankful for clean water to drink since like 80% of the world risks contracting ebola every time they take a sip, but for today I am thankful for the fix I get when I pop the top on a cold can. Some people are addicted to heroin - I've got Diet Dr. Pepper on my side.
  2. Netflix Live Streaming Downloads - I know it sounds shallow, but it has allowed Big Chocolate and I to include our children in a long held Half-Assed tradition - watching as many seasons of a TV show as we can in as short an amount of time as possible. Our previous record had been an entire season of 24 in 2 days. We are shattering that record with 3 Seasons of Heros in under a week. It's that damn To Be Continued I tell you.
  3. 33 cent a pound Turkeys - I have 5 in the freezer so far. Yes, I keep breaking my grocery shopping in to $20 increments and using as many coupons as possible to get my total down as low as possible. Being a Value Whore is the one thing I don't half-ass
  4. Big Chocolate - Need I say more??? Plus who the heck is supposed to cook all of those turkeys?
  5. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber - Who else could make attempted murder so much darn fun?
  6. Jesus Christ, My Lord and Savior - I know I am irreverent and a fan of bad, bad words, but without his presence in my daily life, I do not know how I would make it. He is there to comfort me when all feels lost and to provide when I have exhausted all of my "humanly possible" options. He is able to use me as his tool when even when I don't realize it and am not in the mood to be that helpful.
  7. Spell Check - All I can say is quite possibly the greatest invention of all time. I'm still working on the "privacy window" that limo's have for the family car though.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Check Out Our Christmas Cards


Well 2/3's of them. No offense, but unless I know you, I don't want you stalking me so I cut off the part with our last name. Sorry the picture sucks, but I'm working with my cell phone and the kitchen table here. Mar Dub created the artwork on her computer. She is a little graphic artist in training I tell you. The white band at the bottom is snow. I had to ask. She cut the star off on purpose or so she says....
Then I went to seehere.com and uploaded the picture added the text and viola - Christmas cards are complete. Best of all using the promo code "newbaby" I got 50 of them FREE. I didn't even have to pay shipping. I got them in about 3 days. And I have already addressed and stuffed 6 envelopes!

Winter Coats

With it finally getting cold here, we just pulled out the winter jackets. Both of my kids sleeves came up to damn near their elbows! I was able to find Mar Dub a coat at a resale shop for $12, but haven't been able to find anything for Chris in my price range (AKA - broke).

Well, my prayers have been answered... Old Navy will have their Frost Free Jackets on sale Black Friday for $15. Yes, it could be a beating, but here is my advice. Go buy the coat you want now. Friday when the craziness dies down you can take your receipt in to the store and they will do a price adjustment and refund the difference. They also are going to be having adult jeans on sale for $15 if you need any of those.

Mom - if you still need cheap blankets they will have Fleece Blankets for $5 on Saturday after Thanksgiving too.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

So I Lost My Cell Phone

So, I lost my cell phone the other day. One minute I had it out talking on my way into Subway. The next thing I know I am in my car about a block away with the cell no where to be found. I turn around and go back to Subway. I go in and ask if anybody has seen it. Of course no one has laid eyes on it.

A nice lady offers to call my cell so we can hear it ring if it's somewhere in the store. Great, we call the number and the next thing I know is that to my relief/horror/utter amazement my ass starts playing Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.

You see, with my hands full, no pockets and needing to pay for my lunch, I apparently tucked the phone into the back of my waistband. Only problem is because I have had so many surgeries I don't really feel it when something touches the skin on the small of my back. I was completely clueless.

On the bright side, I found my phone. Big Chocolate never has to know about this unfortunate incident, and I made a whole lot of people's day at Subway.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

This Is So Not Like Me!!!

I wanted to brag/confess/shake my head in disbelief for all to see that I am now officially an entrepreneur/sucker/excited mompreneur.

The bragging (and entrepreneur) part: I have a new website. It's http://www.NeedACheapTrip.com/. It's a nifty name isn't it? If you go to the Book Travel Button, you can sign up as a preferred customer for free and book all of your travel needs.

Great deals on planes, trains and automobiles plus hotels and cruiseships await you with two simple clicks. It's really cool because it pulls deals from all three of the databases that Expedia, Orbitz and Travelocity pull from. They only pull from one each though. Plus when you book through me you have access to 30 minutes of Free Concierge service. I wonder if I spelled that right???

Also, if you click on the Dream Trips Button, you can peruse the calendar of uber-cheap Dream-Trips or click on the little TV screen at the bottom left and watch a quick video about the Costco of the travel industry.

Now for the confession (and sucker) part: The business is part of a Multi-level Marketing thingamabopper. I know. I know. I went as a favor to a friend and accidentally drank the Kool-
Aid.

If you know me at all, you know how cynical/antagonistic I am when someone is trying to sell me something. You should see me rip apart insurance salesmen who can't do the math as well as I can on a whole life policy. The lottery is a tax on people who can't do math. They just don't know it. Well as I watched the presentation and hung with them through the math of the non-pyramid, I was getting excited by the velocity of the growth potential.

So even though I started the evening off leaning over to my husband and telling him I felt fresh as a Summer's Eve because I was surrounded by folks who seriously fit the douche profile. I found myself motivated and willing to step outside of my comfort zone. I would love to take this opportunity to shout out to the girl on TMZ who referred to Jon Gosselin's shirt as having the douche font. It sort of struck a cord with me.

Finally the shake my head in disbelief (excited mompreneur part): So I am the Half-Assed Housewife. I catch iced tea on fire. How the hell am I going to have time for all of this and not fuck it up? Short answer is I really don't know. Rest assured, I am not going to become the creepy Amway chick. Thank God for the rest of the women out there I don't have to hawk facials. That would be bad.

I do know that I am excited by the opportunity to earn an income with my sexy new website (plus the tax write-offs). I spent about $300 on the whole shebang (I say that all the time, but have no idea how to spell it) and that got me the opportunity to go on trips with my family that I otherwise couldn't afford, the opportunity to make money when people I know do what they already do - book travel and the opportunity to help other folks like me that are looking for a chance to make their family's life better. Hey, you can't succeed if you don't try right???

If you want to learn more about this amazing opportunity or just check out what I've gotten myself into and laugh at me, you can go to NeedACheapTrip.com by clicking on the banner ad on the right.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Halloween Pictures

Halloween is the Half Assed Housewife's favorite holiday. We always go all out decorating the house. This year we had a skeleton in a glowing coffin, Marcus the Carcus that glows and looks like he is clawing his way up through the ground, bone lights around all of the flowerbead and the burried pirate. The pirate is the only pic that turned out really well. That's Marcus the Carcus' head to the left of the pirate.


This is my crew of trick or treater's. C-Diddy is in the scream mask. His friend Riley was the only one brave enough to show his face. Mar Dub and her best friend (my other daughter) Hip Hop were dressed up as "Monster Beanie Babies".


Mar Dub's feet are so big that I had to cut the ends off of the footie pajamas. She wears a size 8 1/2 shoe at age 10. She has her daddy's feet.
Here's the loot!





She's smiling even though she recceived a Sonic peppermint and a AA battery in her treat bag. I admit I picked out all of the candy that Big Chocolate and I like before I started passing out candy. And I told the kids they had to be prepared to come home at a moments notice so I could regift their "bad candy" if I ran out. Sonic peppermints and used batteries never crossed my mind.


This is Hip Hop unmasked. And people wonder why we call her Hip Hop...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Adventures in Home Maintenance

Yesterday, Big Chocolate knocked my socks off and fixed our doorbell. It no longer rings itself in the middle of the night. Best of all it only cost $3.50 to fix. Woo Hoo.

Well not to be outdone, I decided to replace the two electrical plug covers today that have managed to break themselves in new and interesting ways. I went to the Depot and spent my $1.19 and came home to replace the covers.

As I am sitting there with my screw driver, about to unscrew a screw that is less than 1/4" from actual electricity, I start to wonder if I should turn off the power just in case I slip. Then I start to think about what a pain in the ass it will be to have to get up and go out to the garage. And then I'll have to reset the alarm clock I just reset yesterday. And how the hell am I going to see the screw I am screwing if I'm in the dark?

At this point I pretty much say "Fuck it" and decide that if I earn a Darwin award, I will have earned it. Plus I have a decent amount of life insurance, so it'll all be OK. I get the plates off alright, but when it comes to screwing the new one in, the screw driver seems awfully unstable. I start to go through all of my previous concerns again, and am struck with a moment of genius.

I did what any real woman would do. I screwed the screws in with my thumbnail!

Friday, October 23, 2009

From The Mouths of Babes

Big Chocolate: Hmm. Did you cook this chicken?
HAH: Yes
Big Chocolate: Like cooked it cooked it? Not reheated it.
HAH: Like from the 99 cent a pound raw chicken breasts
Big Chocolate: You touched raw meat?
HAH: Yep
Big Chocolate: I need to make some tea.
HAH: Already did.
Big Chocolate: Whoa. Am I gonna "get some" tonight too?
C-Diddy: I think she was planing on you getting it yourself.
Insert grown ups giggling here
C-Diddy: Or at least MarDub or I getting it for you.
Insert grown-ups rolling on the floor.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Making Groceries

My mother-in-law always says she's going to "Make Groceries" when she goes shopping. I always giggle when she says it. Big Chocolate says it's because she basically pulls the grocery money out of the Miracle Hole and manages to string together food to eat.

I've spent several years of my life feeding my family of four on $20 a week. There was college when I was knocked up and Big Chocolate and I couldn't afford our own place. We lived in a $500 a month apartment in the ghetto with either one or two other football players at a given time. Back then we ate lots and lots and lots of hamburger helper. We could get it for free with coupons occasionally so we would literally fill the pantry with the stuff. Then we would buy the huge 10 pound tubes of hamburger meat when we could get "ground chuck for a buck". We would have those logs stacked like firewood in our freezer. Then there was law school. We couldn't handle the Hamburger Helper anymore, so we took on Fish Sticks in the 10 pound bag and the 29 cent a pound chicken leg quarters. Ahh fond memories.

Well we are watching our nickles and dimes again, trying to ride it out until some of our clients decide that our invoices deserve their attention. Needless to say I have been making groceries like a mad woman. I strung together about $50 of free groceries last week over and above the free Joint Juice I "bought" at Tom Thumb. Then I cleaned up on Pillsbury products for cheap this week at Kroger. I've been operating out of our freezer and pantry for a couple of weeks trying to spend as little as humanly possible on groceries. I actually enjoy the game.

It's finally chilly here, so we wanted to make chili or gumbo today. I was too cheap to spend the extra $10 or $15 on the groceries I would need to make either one, so I walked into the pantry and pulled out a miracle.

I made a lovely counterfeit La Madeleine Tomato Basil Soup. Big Chocolate was pretty sure that it was going to be a cluster fuck, but I knew I could do it!

Here's the recipe. Of course I didn't exactly follow it. I used 2 big cans of crushed tomatoes with basil because it's what I had. I went with the 2 cups of tomato juice/2 cups of chicken stock combo. When Big Chocolate wasn't looking, I added about 1/2 tsp of baking soda to the tomatoes and liquid while it was simmering. It cuts the acidity of the tomatoes. I also used salted butter, because it's what I had, but that offset the low sodium chicken broth I had.

I have to say I was surprised at how well it turned out. It was very buttery and rich like a bisque. I can't wait until tomorrow. It has a date with grilled cheese sandwiches!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Transcript from the 6th Grade Band Concert


The following is a transcript of the texts I sent to Big Chocolate tonight. He was at a party and I was at the band concert. We arrived at 6:15.

HAH 6:36 - You owe me. This is hell.
HAH 6:36 - Can you kill yourself with a marimba mallet?
BC 6:37 - And Facebook is down so your berries might not get harvested
HAH 6:37 - Nuh uh. Y's it down?
HAH 6:48 - I swear I can feel myself inhaling swine flu from all these people.
BC 6:48 - Better you than me
HAH 6:56 - I gave up and sat down on the ground and got to watch 1000 camels and their toes walk by.
HAH 7:28 - They just demonstrated "tonguing". I kid you not.
HAH 7:35 - This is never going to end.
HAH 7:35 - Half of the double reed parents are standing around holding their reeds like joints. (the parents got to play thier kids instrument) BC 7:35 - Gotcha
HAH 7:35 - I'm blogging the transcript of this so keep ignoring me.
HAH 7:41 - Mr. X just tucked the microphone in the back of his pants so he could use both hands to direct. Me thinks it's not the first time....
HAH 7:42 - Bastards snuck in a band booster club meeting
HAH 7:50 - Eye of the Tiger coming up soon
HAH 7:51 - It's the thrill of the fight

I so want that 2 hours of my life back. In my defense, I don't do band. When Big Chocolate was convincing C-Diddy he needed to do band, I loudly and frequently protested and informed everyone that I wasn't going to be the band parent.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Ultimate Weapon

Heard from the other room last night...

Big Chocolate: "Son what are you doing?"
C-Diddy: "Making the ultimate weapon for Mar-Dub."
Silence
C-Diddy: "I farted in the bag."

I am speechless!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Facebook Etiquette

If you're going to play Mafia Wars on the clock, there are a couple of rules to abide by.
  1. Your boss shouldn't be your Facebook friend.
  2. If you have ignored #1, then you really shouldn't send them Mafia Wars gifts, notifications and requests for help.
  3. If you have ignored #1 and #2, then you really should make sure all of your filing is up to date.

Just Sayin'

Sunday, September 27, 2009

This Dude is Serious About His Shoes

Yes, his shoes are wrapped in plastic bags. I couldn't resist! On a side note would you believe that I took this picture with my cell phone? While driving?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I Suck!!

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I've been working way too much and don't have the luxury of fucking anything up for a while. I do have meatballs in the crock pot at home, so there is some potential for another fire story soon. That being said, I am way behind. I am sure I owe my mom some back to school pictures.




Here are some pictures with the best kid's meal toy ever - a thumb wrestling arena from Taco Bell. One, Two, Three, Four. I declare a thumb war.


No mom I wasn't driving, I was at a red light. And hey look everyone is appropriately buckled. Granted, we might have lost thumbs if we had been rear ended, but only one on each hand and I hear you can transplant a big toe to replace your thumb. At least they did that on NCIS once.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Thanks For the Offer

Mar-Dub is funny. I just asked her to do the dishes. Her response was, "I think I'm going to go read, but thanks for the offer." She then scampered off giggling and I started doing the dishes. She'll have to come up with something better next time. 

Monday, August 31, 2009

Boys

Picking up the house this morning for the cleaning people, I found drumsticks sitting in front of C-Diidy's toilet. I'll give you a good book, magazine, hell even a rubics cube, but druming while you shit is just too much. I seriously hope he wasn't counting that towards his band practice requirements.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Blinderman, This One's for You

I hesitate to post this because my favorite property manager AKA Blinderman reads my blog, Since I am 99.99% certain there was no actual property damage, I'm going to share.

Mar-Dub came up to the office with me tonight and asked to make popcorn. Unknowingly, she put a single serve bag in and hit the popcorn button. Next thing we know we have the nasty burnt popcorn smell. Trying not to piss off Big Chocolate too badly, I try my best to minimize the damage.

I haul ass down the hall to the ladies room and put it in the trash can. The trash can that is filled with used paper towels. I stand back for a second and ponder exactly how pissed the big guy is going to be about the burnt popcorn. I open my eyes and see smoke rising from the trashcan.

Damn it. Big Chocolate and Blinderman are going to be really pissed if I burn down the new office. I grab the smoldering bag and throw it in the sink. Then I have to go fishing in the trash can to make sure that none of the paper towels are actually on fire or smoldering. All good there. Just to be safe, I wet a handful of paper towels and toss it in too. I hung around for a couple of hours waiting on movers, and the building didn't burn down, so I am pretty sure we are out of the woods. Unless, I try to make iced tea that is...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

These are the Pictures of My Day

If you ever have wondered why doing the laundry drives me to drink, now you know.


This photo was taken after 4 very large loads had already been done. For reference, we are talking about 6' X 4' area that is oh say a foot and a half deep!

These are the leftovers from dinner tonight.


It was a really easy recipe from My First Kitchen. I doubled it and only C-Diddy complained. He said the chicken was dry. I told him no shit you sat around for an hour with the chicken all torn up and trying to pick the pepper and rosemary off. Boys!

Mar-Dub acted like the carrots were poisonous. That is until I offered to make her some asparagus. Suddenly the carrots weren't such a bad option.


This is Mr. Maturity separating egg yolks so we (he) could make ice cream.


Today was a good day!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Fashion Advice

If you are the parent of a big child, do not, I repeat, do not dress your child in all purple. Depending on the distribution of the bigness, your kid is either going to look like Barney or the Snooty Bitch after she blew up in Willy Wonka. The Purple People Eater is not a cute nickname.

If you are a big grown up, do not wear a shirt advertising "Lose 3 Sizes in 10 Minutes". Either the shit your advertising didn't stick, or you were huge as a freaking whale when you started.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Quote of The Day

I have made it 34 years without ever walking into the men's room, and I really thought I was out of the woods. Alas, today I was walking into the restroom at the office while checking my email on my phone. I get about 3 steps in and think, "Hmm, It's colder in here than usual". I look around and sure enough there are two urinals to my right. On the bright side, no one was using them, so it's almost like it never happened.

Normally this would be the most embarrassing event in our family's day, but Big Chocolate took the kids to the country club for dinner tonight. I had to drive to the main post office in Dallas to get some stuff in the mail so he needed to "cook".

While they are eating desert, they are talking about their favorites and C-Dub loudly proclaims "The best day of my life was when I was constipated!" I can't help but think that the kid really has had a crappy life if his best days were spent constipated. Sorry I was feeling punny. I digress.

Anywho it was not the constipated day that was the best. It was the day he spent with his dad preceding his debut as Captain Constipation that was the greatest ever. My 7 year old at the time ate all sorts of junk including a footlong chili cheese dog and super-sonic size chili cheese tater tots all by himself. I'm still in awe of how this slowed things down instead of speeding them up but hey, the human body is an amazing thing.

Needless to say I don't think we will be taking the kids back to the country club anytime soon. I will also be carefully checking the signs on bathroom doors to avoid future humiliation.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Summer Project

Big Chocolate & I have been working on a big project all summer. We have been building out and moving into his new, all grown up, not half assed office space. It is 3600 square feet of hard work and love. Here are a few pictures from the reception area...

This is our sign. It ended up being a foot and a half longer than it was supposed to be. It barely fit. Yikes.

This is the receptionist's desk. That bad boy is 14 feet wide and could fit 2 receptionists. Unfortunately, we don't even have one yet. This is where I sit and blog during the day until my office furniture arrives. There are supposed to be pendent lights hanging above the desk, but they got stuck in customs.


This is the sitting area in the reception area. We still need to hang pictures and what not, but we're almost there.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fool Proof Pot Roast

Theta Mom inspired me to "cut and dump" dinner tonight. What's even better is that I didn't even have to cut for this recipe. It takes less than 10 minutes hands on time and is delicious every time. Here's the skinny.

You start by grabbing an ass. I mean a rump roast. Season it VERY well with Salt and Garlic powder and sprinkle with flour. I do all of this while the meat is still in it's package so I don't have extra dishes. I'm lazy like that.

Brown seasoned side down and then season the other side while the first side is cooking. I like to shave seconds off where ever I can. When the roast is well browned, remove from the heat and remove to your crock pot. I have a cast aluminum crock pot so I get to cheat and brown in the actual crock pot insert. Again less dishes.

Dump a package of Beefy Onion soup mix on top. Pour in a cup of beef broth and a cup of decent red wine. Your aiming for about 2 cups of liquid here. You know me better than to expect that I would actually measure. If I only have a half cup of wine, I roll with it and use more beef broth. Put the crock pot on low for about 8 hours and dinner is served.

Using the beefy onion, the beef broth and red wine gives the roast that extra rich beefy taste. I use Big House Red when I cook. It's decent wine and it has a screw top (I know it's classy) which makes it so much easier to throw the bottle back in the fridge.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mar-Dub and the Beanstalk

I know I don't write too much about Mar-Dub. It's not that she's not as hilarious and wheels off as the rest of us. She's just a little more sensitive about it. For this reason I am going to do my damnedest to keep her stories from back when she was an itty bitty.

When Mar-Dub was about 4 1/2 she came to me to tell me that her sink was clogged up. W goes in to check it out and there was literally a plant growing up from the bottom of the sink. His first question is "How in the hell?"

Then I think back to that fateful day I was making pinto beans. Mar-Dub wanted to play with the beans and I thought "Cool. She can't possibly make a mess with a handful of beans". Boy was I wrong. It seems she was washing them off in her sink and dropped them down the drain.

As we all know from the plant growing experiments in elementary school a bean just needs a cool damp place and a light source to grow towards and that bad boy becomes a beanstalk.

Big Chocolate Is Lucky To Be Alive

A lesser woman would have killed him. Last night when he got home we were sitting on the couch cuddling, laughing and all that good stuff. He has his arm around me and next thing I know he is poking me in my stomach and makes the Pillsbury Doughboy sound. Blank Now keep in mind this is all very subconscious. It wasn't that he did it to fuck with me. He just did it. For the second time in as many weeks. The first time I let it slide. This time all I could say was "That is so wrong."

He doesn't realize what he's done because it was subconscious. I tell him and at first he tries denying it. Then I tell him it's the second time he's done it. He says "No Shit" and begins to go into lawyer mode trying to explain that I had to be making a mistake. According to him I misunderstood what he meant.

At this point I poke him in the stomach and make the sound. Lawyer mode quickly fails him when he starts laughing his ass off because after all it is funny as hell.

The sick thing is I kind of want to go to marriage counseling over this. Not because I think we have problems (Well we do obviously have problems, just not of the marital variety), but because I want to see if there is a counselor out there that is able to keep a straight face and maintain their professionalism while being told this story.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Random Fact

Let me preface what is about to follow by saying I am a really smart person. I have an IQ in the ballpark of 150. I don't usually go bragging about that, but I need to make sure everyone understands that even though I am about to sound like Jessica Simpson's stupid sister, I really am a bright girl. I just get confused sometimes.

In addition to getting people mixed up which ultimately led to the untimely death of James Brown, I get national landmarks mixed up. Up until, oh about 3 years ago, I thought the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls were in the same place.

I wasn't real firm on their location, but I knew they were together. Apparently I am the only person on the continent who has had trouble with this one, but I admit it. I thought Niagara Falls tumbled over the Grand Canyon.

Doesn't it make sense that a big ass waterfall would go over the edge of a big ass canyon? Obviously my parents weren't real big on road trips and I pretty much coasted through Geography, but surely someone out there can follow me on the logic. I'm not saying you have to admit that you thought they belonged together. I'm just looking for someone, anyone who can see how I could get there...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Won An A-Wierd

I mean an award from Missy at Life in Left Field. It is the "New Favorite Award".

Per Missy - In order to be considered for this award, your blog must be relatively new, I say with in the last 6 months. AND must evoke a response from me... Laughing out loud, Fit the bill for obnoxious, give me something useful in everyday life... You get the idea.Be kind and pass it on to just one of Your new favorite blogs.

With all of that said I would like to pass along my riches to:

The Grounded Drink Lady - staying home with 2 kids all day can drive you batty.

Confessions of a Pathological Procrastinator - apparently procrastination isn't just an American past time.

Wrestling with Retirement - Adjusting to being over the hill and putting the brakes on that decline. LOL

Living Life on Little Sugar Creek - Who new there were two Kaycee's out there?

and

The Half Assed Housewife - Who knew there were two Half Assed Housewives out there?

Since I am not smart enough to figure out how to get you the code on my own -go to Missy's blog. Just copy and paste the code as an HTML Gadget and the sexy Justin Timberlake abs are yours forever.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Bumper Sticker Confusion

So yesterday Big Chocolate and I were behind a pick-up truck with the following Bumper Stickers/Window Decals:

On the Back Window were:
  • 2 NRA Decals
  • American Flag
  • Confederate Flag
  • McCain/Palin '08
  • and My Favorite - Barack, Your Village Called. They Want Their Idiot Back.
On the Rear Bumper:
Two Bumper Stickers for different Spanish Language radio stations

Now I know I shouldn't make assumptions about people and all of that, but after literally hours of pondering the subject I can't get the Confederate Flag and the Spanish Radio Stations reconciled. It's almost as bad as when I try to balance our business accounts at the end of the month. It's just not happening.

In the interest of pondering more important issues in the world like why would someone name their child De Bruce, I'm going to have to punt and stick with the only explanation that makes any sense. I am saying that the Good Ol' Boy that was driving the truck bought it from someone who loved Spanish Radio and he hasn't discovered the greatness of Goo Gone.

PS. I really wanted to stalk the guy so I could get a good pic of the stickers, but Big Chocolate wouldn't play along.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Cooking for Credit

Big Chocolate says I never cook. The problem isn't that I never cook. It's that his happy ass is never home to eat when I cook. Tonight for dinner I made "Pizza Chicken" known in the real world as Chicken Parmigiana.

I came home from work to cook dinner while Big Chocolate stopped for Happy Hour Drinks. The kids and I have now eaten and cleaned the kitchen. When he gets home the food is going to have to be reheated which will officially make it "Left Overs".

Of course this means I don't get credit for cooking dinner tonight. Oh well. It was super yummy.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Yum

Look what I made yesterday! I made Peach Cobbler:

Yes, I realize that half of the food is gone in these photos, but I had to make sure it wasn't poisonous. I've made the peach cobbler before. I usually leave out about a 1/4 cup of the juice from the can so it isn't too runny. I also have to cook it for almost a full hour to get it all the way done. No, it isn't burnt on top, it's cinnamon. Unfortunately with me cooking it is a legitimate question.

The potatoes were great and so easy to make!!! I left out the green onions in the recipe because if C-Diddy sees green he starts picking it out immediately. Mar-Dub didn't like them because she doesn't do swiss cheese. By the time she made that proclamation I decided not to even try to make C-Diddy try them. I saved them for the grown ups instead of wasting them on the pallate of my unsophisticated children.

On a funny note the official recipe title for the potatoes is "Five Minute Potato Gratins" or some such while the prep time is listed as 15 minutes on the recipe.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Wonder About Lots Of Things

Usually I keep my thoughts to myself though, and for good reason. Tonight we were at dinner and they had the NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on the TV but muted. I look up and see this dude and below him is a line that says "DE BRUCE SMITH"

I read this and say "His mom is wrong for naming him that." Big Chocolate gives me this look that can only be interpreted as "What the fuck are you talking about?" I look at the screen again and say "Unless that's Defensive End Bruce Smith?"

At this point the big guy just hangs his head and shakes it in disbelief as I laugh my ass off because on the one hand I'm and idiot, but on the other it still kind of makes sense to me.

I try to change the subject and regain some of my dignity, but I still can't let it go. About five minutes later I have to ask the question "It's Demarcus Ware, right? Not Defensive End Marcus Ware?" At least I had that one right.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Oops I Did It Again

So, I don't know what the deal is with the laundry. Every time I have the best intentions. I start climbing Laundry Mountain and then I fall to peer pressure. I'll be darned if I didn't end up liquored up Tuesday night with laundry left over.

It's not exactly all my fault. Mar Dub ended up getting sick and having to go to the doctor Tuesday afternoon for an ass-load of antibiotics. I've always wanted to use that phrase literally. If I hadn't ever left the house I probably wouldn't have gotten so distracted. That sounds like a good excuse. I think I will stick with that.

Needless to say Wednesday, I had the joy of taking 4 kids to Great Wolf Lodge while slightly hung over. It was Mar Dub's birthday and she was still sick. She rode two water slides and asked to go back to the room and go to sleep.

Poor kid said it was the worst birthday ever. We're home now. She is still sick and C-Diddy just told me he has a headache and started coughing. I am ready to hunker down now. I have cold medicine for the kids. I ordered Chinese delivery. I even bought wine coolers so I can drink while I finish the laundry.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Laundry Mountain Part 2

Today is Laundry Day! Woo Hoo! I can hardly wait. Not. I have a weeks worth of camp clothes that smell "like the horse barn". Most of W's clothes from his trip last week. All of our normal clothes, plus the sheets, blankets and mattress pads from all 5 beds. Yikes!

I have already had a near miss. I reached in the dryer and pulled out what looked eerily like a pair of Big Daddy Dub Dub's dress pants. I about had a heart attack. I was already planning my escape to Mexico. Luckily for me it was a pair of black golf shorts that are lined around the waist band like a pair of dress pants would be. Whew.

I really hope today ends better than the last time I tried to climb laundry mountain.

Free Fun at Main Event

The kids and I have been having a blast at Main Event. I took C-Diddy last Monday to take advantage of their deal where for $20 you get unlimited bowling, laser tag, ropes course, billiards and a $10 game card. This deal is good from 4 to midnight on Mondays. We got there late, but were able to squeeze 7 hours of fun in!

At the store in Frisco, my receipt had an offer for a free $20 game card if you did their online survey. So I did it while the kids played. I took the receipt back yesterday and cashed it in for my free game card.

The same offer printed on my receipt that had a $0.00 total. I'm going to keep rolling that bad boy for as long as it lasts. They only restriction is that you can't use it the same day as your original "purchase".

Sunday, August 2, 2009

So I Know This Is Sad, But

I had the best time at CVS this morning. I've started getting up early on Sundays and heading to CVS when they open at 8 to cash in on my couponing deals for the week.

It's funny because this is when all the hard core couponers are there. There is this couple that is there every Sunday morning without fail. I love the husband because he has such a great attitude about couponing. Today he was asking for help finding the free stayfree. Ha Ha.

Another lady was there with her suitcase of coupons. We all ended up trading coupons so we could all get in on the good deals. I gave away 4 highly coveted electrasol coupons, but in return I got a couple of $2 off listerine coupons to take advantage of a deal we found there.

All in all, I got a rain check for 5 free electrasol, 4 bottles of listerine, blink eye drops, 4 bags of M&Ms, soft soap body wash, 2 compasses, 2 20 packs of pens, 2 bookcovers, 2 pair of scissors, 2 packages of glue sticks, 2 spiral notebooks and 2 folders for FREE. Actually I ended up leaving with a few more Extra Care Bucks than I came in with and it spit out a coupon for free advil.

My CVS has the best manager in the whole world. I can't wait until next Sunday morning to see everyone there!

I'm Notorious for Losing My Keys

I have searched through many trash cans and had many panic attacks over missing keys, but my dear sweet Dubelicious lost his keys the other day. Only problem is that he lost them while he was in the car.

He apparently went out to the car to look for some papers. He found the papers quickly, but then he couldn't find his keys. He took everything out of the car. He looked under seats. He checked pockets. He sat down in the front seat again exasperated and coming to terms with the fact he was going to have to call me for help.

Then divine inspiration struck and he checked the ignition. Yep, they had been there the whole time.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Terms of Endearment

Some husbands have such sweet nicknames for the love of their life. I always feel like the most "special" woman in the world when Dubelicious calls me by mine ~ "Crazy Bitch". Occasionally he switches it up and calls me "Lazy Bitch" though. That's not quite as cute.

People usually think we're making this up. That is until I call him and his ringtone is the chorus of Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch".

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It Was An Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Paul Frank Bikini

Well my swimsuit order finally arrived yesterday. You might remember I ordered this:



I ordered it in a size 10 and a size 12, so I could try them both and make up my mind.

Instead of the 10 I got this:

It's a size 6 girls. It has the right label on the package, but the wrong item in the package. I don't think this is going to work very well.

Of course the 12 is too big through the tummy area and my cup runneth over up top, so I am not holding out alot of hope that the 10 will work once it gets here either.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stalking Isn't Always A Bad Thing...

Did you know that I stalked my husband? It's true. I met Dubelicious and thought he was cute and snarky and sweet all at once. I was smitten from the first time he made fun of me for my nerdish tendencies.

I am a very motivated person and when I find something I want, I am going to get it. I posted up every day for a about a year and a half "studying" on a bench that was strategically placed between the football field and the cafeteria.

There was no avoiding me. A man has to eat after football practice. About 1 semester in, I discovered he had a a major crush on my new room-mate. This would deter many a woman, but not me. I am not a quitter.

I did what any motivated woman would do. I lied. I would tell him that Val should be home any minute and let him hang out in our dorm room*. We would hang out for hours at a time listening to Bob Marley, watching movies, studying and becoming best friends.

The rest as they say is history. While stalking may not work for most people, it worked for me.

*C-Diddy is reading over my shoulder and just laughed out loud at this.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Prevent Domestic Violence - Send Your Spouse on Vacation

Big Daddy Dub Dub is in New Mexico spending the better part of the week at a resort because he needed a break from work and the joys of opening his new office. He was polite and asked me to come with him even though he knew I couldn't go.

Four nights at a resort outside of Santa Fe -$400.
Preventing a murder/suicide - Priceless.

Not real sure who was going to be the murderer in the deal, but the odds weren't looking good for either one of us.

I got his room on Priceline and if you've never tried their name your own price deal, you really should. The only downside is that the rooms are completely nonrefundable. This worked out well for him since HIS MOM and AUNT decided to come stay with ME this weekend.

They are heading home tomorrow. Mar-Dub is going to Camp tomorrow, and it will just be C-Diddy and I hanging for the rest of the week. I have grand plans to order a pizza and see how long the two of us can live off of it without cooking or doing any dishes. I am also planning on blowing $10 at Redbox and see how many movies we can watch before our minds turn into mush.

Proof Positive

Lest you think I just make this stuff up:

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Too Stupid For The Dry Cleaners

We may have to ban ourselves from the dry cleaners for a while. I had two overstuffed bags this week and it would seem that a sneaky little washcloth might have crept its way into the bag. Dubelicious has given me much grief this evening since he brought the clothes in and found it folded neatly over a hanger in its own bag.

Did you know they only charge $1.50 for dry cleaning a washcloth? A bargain I tell you. Once he was done giving me shit about what an idiot I was, he realized half of the clothes were missing.

Then he about had a panic attack because he had about $5000 worth of custom clothes missing. I know it sounds really snooty and what not, but the man has 32 inch thighs and a 38 inch waste. You can't buy that off the rack.

What was truly scary was the way he made a list for me of exactly what was missing in about 30 seconds flat. I am talking 9 shirts and 3 pairs of pants identified down the color/stripe/collar combination here. He is such a clothes whore.

Then he made me find out what time the cleaners opened and gather all of the receipts from the bags as well as print out the charge from the cleaners on the credit card so we had our "evidence".

About an hour later we walked outside and the other half of the clothes were hanging on the hook where they belong. Jackass only grabbed half of the clothes and never thought he could have possibly been the source of the missing clothes.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Swim Suits are Evil!

I used to be little. Then I got big. Now I am somewhere in the middle. I have managed to avoid buying a swimsuit for the last year and a half, but I have to do it since we are taking my daughter to Great Wolf Lodge for her birthday.

With much fear and loathing I went to Nordstrom to try stuff on . I'm usually too cheap for Nordstrom, but I need all the help money can buy with this purchase.

Can anyone tell me why they light the mall with the lights that make my pasty white skin glow in the dark? Wouldn't they sell more clothes if you actually looked good in them? I'm just asking.

About 5 minutes in after being blinded by the light and in absolute awe of the hail damage, I was convinced that the Duggars have swimsuit shopping down. Now I am neither conservative or modest, but they are onto something with women keeping covered between their elbows and knees.

I am not a quitter and so I kept trying and trying. Of course they didn't have anything in the right sizes, but I think I have settled on a combo that will cover most of what needs to be hidden for the good of society and not have me looking like I am going to splash day at the convent. Here is what I have ordered:




Cross your fingers for me that it will actually look OK when it is all said and done. I'm not holding out alot of hope since the swimsuit model's boobs are much closer to her shoulders than her elbows.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Good Thing I Don't Drink Coffee

I always find loose change in the kitchen, so I keep a coffee can in the pantry with change in it. Unfortunately, I also keep a coffee can of coffee in the pantry. This morning in my haste to clean up before the cleaning people get here (I know it is so wrong) I dropped my change in the coffee can with the coffee. Good thing I don't drink coffee.

Change has been removed and put in the proper receptacle. I'm an ass. I should have seen it coming. What's worse is that I have done nothing to keep this from happening again. That would be too much work.

We'll keep this our little secret and not tell Big Chocolate. I don't want to have to buy a new can of coffee. It would cost me all of my change I've saved up.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

House Full of Kidlets

I always wanted to have the house where everyone wanted to hang out. It seems I may have outdone myself. Both best friends spent the night last night. I'm pretty sure that at one point I was curled up in the corner rocking myself and whispering "Shut the Fuck Up", but that could have just been a nightmare.

Hip Hop's parents picked her up this morning. I dropped Stink Bug off at his house at noon. I get home and the freaking doorbell rings with a kid saying "Hey Miss Half Assed Housewife! Can I come play?"

On the upside, I'm dangerously close to having the laundry done and I have big plans for a cheap dinner at Tin Star tonight. Kids Eat Free on Sundays and I have a coupon for a free queso that I got from being on their email list. Oh yeah, don't forget $3.95 Margaritas too.

All of this followed by a marathon of True Blood, Hung, and Entourage. I have such an exciting life. Not.

PS. If you like Tin Star even a little, sign up for their email list. I got a coupon for a free taco plate right off the bat and have gotten several decent coupons since.

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Car Gods Are Laughing

My husband's car has 140,000 miles on it. Last weekend we spent $300 on brakes and ordered the parts for work on the suspension. That was supposed to cost about $2000. Not thrilled about spending the money, but hey it's cheaper than a new car. We were planning on taking the car in today to get that taken care of.

Last night as my husband is driving in the fast lane on the Tollway, he calls me wondering why people are honking at him and flipping him off as they pass him. He's going 85, and people are just blowing past him. Then he realizes, you guessed it, his speedometer is broken too. That will be at least another $800.

To add insult to injury my check engine light came on today. I am telling myself I just need to tighten the gas cap and it will be alright. My baby only has 110,000 miles on it, so it's as good as new.

I'm renting Confessions of a Shopaholic, taking a vicodin and going to bed now. I need a hug.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

This Post Will Self-Destruct in Seven Days

My Mom reads my blog, so there's some stuff I have to keep to myself. Luckily for all of us she is on a 10 day cruise in Europe right now so I think I'm safe for a few days. Mom, if you found the Internet somewhere, I am warning you skip the rest of this post. You'll be scarred for life and so will I.

If you really know me or Dubelicious in real life, you never heard it from me. Now that I am all disclaimed, here we go.

A couple of weeks ago we got new cell phones. I know it sounds boring right. It pretty much was until Big Daddy Dub Dub took an Ambien and Benedryl one night and then decided to start playing with his phone in bed while I'm in the family room watching TV.

He decides it would be a good idea to send me a "Let's Get It On" sext by sending me a picture of Big Chocolate - the appendage that is. He sends his sext and in a couple of minutes gets a reply back of "Fuck Off" or some such and is pretty sure he sent the sext to the wrong person.

His drugged up mind at this point goes into freak out mode. He drops the dirty bomb on his phone and deletes his entire texting history. I guess he thought this would reverse time. He wakes up the next morning and hopes it was all a bad dream, but it's not. There in his saved pictures is the picture of Big Chocolate in all its glory.

Fast forward a few days. He pulls me aside at the bar and asks if I got the picture and told him to Fuck Off. Nope not me buddy. He's asked everyone he usually texts if they got it in error. Nobody will 'fess up, but they all say they want to see now.

We brainstorm for a bit and the only rational explanation I can come up with is that he sent it to our neighbor (who is also a client) who's name starts with the same three letters as mine. He's too chickenshit to ask her though so I have to.

She denies having spied the man candy too, but wishes she had along with everyone else who has heard this story. What is up with people? I know my husband wears a size 16 shoe and all, but damn. They do have porn you know.

Needless to say, to this day we do not know who got the sext. At this point none of the options left are good. Hopefully time will tell and this will be one of the great mysteries in life that is revealed.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Serves Me Right

I am always yelling at my kids not to run in the house. Well yesterday I decided it would be a good time to show them that I'm not just blowing smoke out my ass. You really can fall and hurt yourself.

Now, I'm not talking about the casual slip and fall. Oh no. When I do something like this I do it big. As I was rounding the corner for home - I mean the phone (in my socks on the hardwood floor), both of my feet flew out from under me. Though I still don't understand the physics behind the situation, my entire body ended up perfectly horizontal about 3 1/2 feet above the ground.

I would love to have video of this as there is no other time in the history of ever that you will find my happy feet that high off the ground. This was some special effects Karate Kid looking business. If only I had kicked the asshole in the chest and landed on one leg looking like nothing had happened.Unfortunately gravity kicked in and I slammed down to the ground on my left side.

I yell "Fuck" at the top of my lungs which would get the attention of most kids, but I apparently use it so much it doesn't even phase mine anymore. Not until I yell "Help" does anyone know anything is amiss. They ask if I am alright and once I tell them I'll be OK they proceed to point and laugh and probably call me all sorts of names.

Twenty four hours later, I feel like an ass and the whole left side of my body including my teeth hurt. Moral of the story - Don't run in the fucking house!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Kiss My Grits

I would say "Kiss My Ass", but it seems to have gotten a little lumpy on me over the years. Now that I think about it I should probably be the "Ass and A Half Housewife" instead of the "Half Assed Housewife", but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

I've tried diet and exercise,but that's no fun. Now I have decided the best approach is to fill in the dimples. To that end dinner tonight is Shrimp & Grits. Don't you just love how I made the mental circle there?

Now if your not from The South (1) you might not know what a grit is, and (2) this probably sounds freaking disgusting. First off its "grits" not a grit. They are ground corn or hominy.

I know, I know. It still sounds gross, but if you boil them until they are thick like malt-o-meal and add either lots of butter and sugar or lots of butter and cheese, you have sinful deliciousness staring you down.
Throw some shrimp into the cheesy grits and bake and you have a meal that is good enough to make you "Slap yo Momma-in-Law". My MIL is about 6'1" and built like a linebacker, so that's saying something.

The recipe I use is pretty darn good, but if you ever find yourself on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, I beg you to go to Desire Oyster Bar in the Royal Sonesta Hotel and order Shrimp & Grits. They are so good that I would trade all the alcohol on Bourbon Street for an order of them . And I like alcohol.
PS, If you were born after the 70's that is Flo from the TV show Alice in the picture. She said "Kiss My Grits" all the time. It is NOT ME!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Family Portrait

Since living in this house gives me so much material, I thought I would share some photos of the family. A visual will likely help bring some of my stories to life.

This is Dubelicious, AKA Big Daddy Dub Dub in a cheezy PR shot. Just imagine him saying "Oh Shit this is the Lady's Room".

This is C-Diddy. He is 11 1/2 going on 75. This is what happens when he goes out alone with Big Daddy Dub Dub for a night on the town. He looks so much better in this picture than he did after our 3 hour trip to camp.


This is Mar-Dub. She is 10. Don't be led astray by the picture. She is the manipulative one.


This is the Half Assed Housewife making iced tea.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Obama Mania Has Gone Too Far

I was watching TV last night and was blessed with the Chia Obama commercial. I'm a capitalist and all that so I shouldn't hate, but Obama with a Fro that Grows is too much.

It doesn't even look like him. It looks like random black dude with a mole under his nose and green afro. Are you supposed to pick it out and edge it up or what? When it grows out too much are you supposed to take it to the barbershop for a bald fade? Throw a pick in it and say to hell with it? I think not. No self respecting black man is going to let his fro grow and become unkempt.

If you're having as slow a night as I am, click the link and sing Ch-Ch-Chia to yourself "As the Fro Grows." Hey that sounds like a soap opera. If they can sell Chia Obama, surely I can start my own daytime drama featuring it as my main character.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Random Facts

Here are some random facts about me. Some of them will take their own future posts to fully elaborate.

1. My husband thinks I have a hamster running on a wheel in my head.

2. He's right, but I also have a little guy that runs laps around the track up there too. When they both get going at the same time (see picture) the world is in big, big trouble.

3. While sitting at restaurants, I often wonder how much of a given item they go through in a day. Doesn't anyone else wonder how many pancakes they go through at IHOP on a Saturday morning? Wonder is probably an understatement. It's more of an obsessive curiosity. I usually have to count tables, average the number of people per and the amount per person and then do the math. Once I guestimate how many times they turn the table and do the math one more time I'm OK and can go on with my meal in peace.

4. I get people mixed up. All it takes is one slight connection and the two become one. Ben Affleck and Ben Stiller, Sam Jackson and Lawrence Fishburn, Rick James and James Brown.

5. I killed the Godfather of Soul. A mix up between Rick James and James Brown lead me to vehemently proclaim that the Godfather was in fact dead and my husband didn't know wth he was talking about. Unfortunately for me (and the Godfather of Soul) he dropped dead round about the time we were having that debate. My Bad!

6. I had a 'fro in second grade. There are pictures to prove it. Thank God they didn't have digital cameras in the 80's.

7. I road the short bus to Kindergarten. Apparently they couldn't handle me all day. I wonder why?

8. I had to wear braces, glasses and a back brace all at the same time in Jr. High and part of High School. Though I didn't appreciate it at the time. It solidified my ability to not give a damn what other people think about me. For that I will always be grateful.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me

It's been a great day so far. I had breakfast in bed. Mar-Dub got up early and brought me a Diet Dr. Pepper. When I got hungry, I had to get off my ass and get my own Frosted Flakes, but I ate them in bed damn it.

I hopped on the scale this morning and it lied to me! That bad boy posted up 141 instead of the usual 145. I'll have to thank my husband for rolling it back. When it racks up higher tomorrow, I'll remind myself that muscle weighs more than fat, so I must be going in the right direction.

The library emailed me and told me that my copy of the new Janet Evanovich book came in today. I picked it up and took the kids to the pool for a couple of hours so I could read.

In watching the MJ coverage today, I heard the phrase, "Quiet as its kept" twice. I love that expression. I may be the only white person in the history of ever to use that one. I'm probably the only white person that has Ghostface Killah on her Ipod, so I'm not sure what that's worth.

I heard Sarah Palin explain that she wouldn't have to deal with all of the ethics investigations if she were President because she would have "The Department of Law" to protect her.

I don't have to cook dinner. I'm guessing we will be eating leftovers and I'll still have to clean the kitchen before it is all said and done, but I am focusing on the positive.

$30 Southwesst Airlines Flights

This deal is good today and tomorrow only. Flights from $30 per leg. From Dallas you can get to New Orleans for $60 also NY and LA for $90 one way.

Fine Print:

Fares do not include federal excise tax of $3.60 per takeoff and landing, airport-assessed passenger facility charges (PFC) of up to $9, and government-imposed September 11th Security Fee of up to $5 one-way.
Purchase by July 8, 2009, 11:59 pm Pacific Standard Time.
Travel September 9 through November 18, 2009.
Travel valid every day except Fridays & Sundays.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Free Coupon for Starbucks Icecream Pint

Starbucks is offering 800 free pint coupons on their Facebook page at the top of each hour today.
Sign into your facebook account, then click here to get to their share app. When it asks you to share the ice cream with a friend put your info in there. It says it's ok to share with yourself btw. I logged in right at 10AM and didn't have any trouble getting 1 of the 800.

~Cheesy Freebie and Coupon Pimping Half-Assed Housewife

Saturday, July 4, 2009

"You know I'm Pinky in this relationship"


"We're Pinky and the Brain. We're Pinky and the Brain. One is a genius the others insane."

Last night we made a more or less last minute decision to go to Kaboom Town in Addison. This is decidedly the best July 4th (scratch that July 3rd) fireworks display in the Metroplex. We drove down there not knowing what to expect. We had no beer, water, chairs, blankets or anything. It was the two of us and my Handi-tag for quick and easy parking.

We get down there and snag some super primo handicapped parking. At this part we are literally in the center of Addison Circle. The geographical reference will help those that know the area laugh their asses off at us later I promise.

We get out of the car and Big Chocolate asks if I want to walk to the restaurants down on Belt-Line (at least 2 miles away for the record). I give him that look that can only be translated as "Fuck That". So we decide to get pizza by the slice about 100 yards from the car.

We are in line with about 800 other people in the pizza joint and the bitch in front of me decides to throw a fit because she can't order a "custom pizza". She then proceeds to order the slices I have been eyeing and ask the guy behind the counter if he would consider the cheese pizza vegetarian. WTF lady. For all those who are wondering cheese pizza is in fact vegetarian but not vegan.

Then we get a text from a friend saying they are at a hangar party at the Addison airport which is more or less right across the road. We decide to go and start to muse over whether we should unpark the car or walk. Dubs suggests we take the car, but I don't want to lose our primo parking spot, so I suggest we try to walk it since he wanted to walk to the other end of the moon earlier.

Off we go. Keep in mind we don't know exactly where we are going at the airport and they tend to be rather large places even the small ones. About 2/3 of a mile in I suggest we turn around since we still don't know where we are going and my mobility impaired hips are starting to scream mean nasty words at me. This is at the corner of Addison Road and wherever.

"Awe hell naw. We are committed now!" Damn he never gives in.

At this point I convince him it might be a good idea to at least use the navigation on the cell phone to make sure we are walking the right way down Addison Road. Of course we weren't. We turn back around, going the right way.

Nav tells us we have to turn right on Lindbergh and walk all the fucking way to Midway and then have to go north again.

At about a mile and a half in he looks at me like he wants to kill me and reminds me that it was my idea to walk. I remind him that I am the Pinky in this relationship and he is supposed to save me from myself when I have a stupid idea. He keeps walking and occasionally cussing. All I can really do is laugh because this is so us.

About 2 1/2 miles in we pass a group of cops on the side of the road who look at us kind of crazy. It's like they knew we were going the wrong way or something. I seriously considered asking them to save me since domestic violence was in my very near future.

We finally make it to the airport entrance we are supposed to be at and the hangar we are going to turns out to only be the 23rd hangar we pass. We get there tell everyone what we did. Everyone laughs and points and laughs some more. We sit on the back of our friends pick up and drink because it is and has been fucking hot for along time and we are beat.

We have a great time watching the fireworks. Once everything is over we pile in the truck with my husband who is 6'4" and 275 pounds, his friend "Felonious" who's larger, and another dude in the back with me and my 85 pound friend who drank at least a whole bottle of wine all by herself.

We then get stuck in the gridlock for another couple of hours with my friend in a continuous loop of the same 5 questions over and over and over.

A great evening all the way around. A Seinfeld Episode, but a great evening none the less. I can't wait until next year.