Sunday, December 5, 2010

You Tube

Yeah - I'm way behind on the blogging again. I admit it, I suck. Here are some higlights from the last month of my life:

Thanksgiving Marshmallow Eating Contest:

Half Assed 12 Days of Christmas performace - I swear this is even funnier than the marshmallow eating contest. The video quality sucks. I appologize and suggest that you get drunk prior to watching it. I found that made me not mind the grainyness of the video and brought everything back into focus.

At about 1:58, the very loose wheels finally fly off.

Friday, December 3, 2010

My Mom and Facebook

So my mom signed up for facebook about a week ago and I have already received my first phone call asking me "What's Shiz?" and telling me it wasn't very nice to say that my son was given #2 on his basketball jersey because, "He's the shiz." Then I had to explain the being "the shit" was actually a good thing. LOL

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Not Me Monday - It's NOT Tuesday

This past week has NOT yielded weeks worth of NOT Me Monday Material.

For Starters, I did NOT tell my son that he had to TRY to get a 70 in GT English. He did NOT respond by saying, "Mom, you have no idea how hard you have to work to double your grade in less than a week."

I do NOT give up.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Costume Contest

And the winner is:

Mr. Wendell. Hey Hey Mr. Wendell.

He spent $10 on cigarettes and a 40 and won us a $200 3 -course dinner at an awesome restaurant.

His sign also got him a ton of free drinks. If you can't read it, it says "It's an Obamanation! Hungry, Homeless and can't afford a $10 drink. Please help get me drunk so I can stay warm!"

Saturday, October 30, 2010


A true friend is someone who accepts you for who you are - even if they don't approve.

A true friend is someone who will not only forgive you when you put your leg in your mouth, but help you pull it out.

A true friend will not only help you bury the body, but laugh with you while you dig.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I love "good mail". I just got a package from Wanchai Ferry, Macaroni Grill & MyBlogSpark! Inside was a Wanchai Ferry and Macaroni Grill boxed dinner and a $25 Visa gift card!

When I opened the package, Mar Dub shrieked "Oh! It's the Yummy Chicken!"

We have obviously already tried the Wanchai Ferry Orange Chicken and it is delicious and easy to make. My only wish is that they had sent me two boxes, because one box is not nearly enough for my big eaters. Last time I made Orange Chicken I cooked 3 pounds of chicken and the darned kids ate it all.

Click here for a coupon for $1.50 off two boxed dinners.

I also received a box of Creamy Basil Parmesan Chicken & Pasta, and can't wait to try it. Alas, I need an extra 10 minutes to actually cook something instead of just pull it from the freezer which by the way is getting dangerously bare.

I think Big Chocolate and I may have a date night this weekend and try the Macaroni Grill Dinner. I will be sure and let you know how that goes.

The theme for the giveaway is Date Night. MyBlogSpark suggested we post pictures from our first date. LOL. We didn't go on an official "date" for almost a year after we had been "dating". Big Chocolate blew his entire dating budget for college taking my old roommate out to Olive Garden about 2 months before we started "dating", but that is a whole other post.

Thanks to MyBlogSpark, Wanchai Ferry and Macaroni Grill, MyBlogSpark will also be providing one lucky reader with a prize pack! The winner will receive:
1 Wanchai Ferry dry dinner kit
1 Macaroni Grill dry dinner kit
1 $25 Visa gift card that you can use to create a magical date night at home

To enter the giveaway, just leave a comment with your email address and I will email you after a winner is randomly selected on Wednesday, Nov. 3rd.

Wordless Wednesday

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Not Me Monday - Rain Rain Go Away

We did not spend 7 hours at an SMU Football game Saturday to only see half of the game. There was not a 2 1/2 hour rain delay.

I did not inadvertently recreate the Saran Wrap scene from Booty Call with one of those cheapo rain ponchos. I did not seriously think a stranger was going to have to poke air holes in there for me after I got stuck.

After nearly dieing in said poncho, I did not think it would be funny to see if the same thing would happen to Big Chocolate. I did not seriously wonder if death by poncho kicked in the accidental death benefit on the life insurance. I did not chicken out and help him put his on because I love him.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Talking to Myself

Self: You need to get off your ass and get something done.

Self: But I don't wanna.

Self: I know, but this stuff isn't going to do itself.

Self: But I don't wanna.

Self: At least do something to get started. That's the hardest part.

Self: OK - I'll make a list of all the stuff I need to do.

Self: Good Job. Now lets get going on the first thing on the list.

Self: But I don't wanna.

Self: I know but you will never finish if you don't start.

Self: OK, but I need to add one thing to the list I forgot about.

Self: Just one thing and then you have to get something actually done.

Self: OK. I just added blog about nothing to the top of the list.

Self: What am I going to do with you?

Self: Help me blog... Duh...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In Which I Rant - About College Students

Let me preface this by saying that the students signed up to take my class have someone forking over about $4000 for the honor to take my 3000 level class.

1. If I have to explain why you multiply .2Y by 5 to turn it into Y more than once, economics is probably not the field of study to which you are best suited.

2. If you are so smart that the review lecture is unnecessary and you decide to leave early - turn in your quiz before you go. If you make it that far, make sure all of your answers are right. You see I never said I was giving all of the answers equal weight - I might have noticed that you missed that question and decided to weight it as 100% of the quiz grade - since I made sure that everyone who stayed had all of the right answers.

3. #2 would be especially important if despite your full academic scholarship, your parents are emailing me on a semi frequent basis checking in on your progress because they are so pissed off at your half-assed approach to higher education that they are threatening to make you come home because they don't want to pay your room and board for a 4 year party. Yeah I know holy run-on sentence. Grammar doesn't apply to rants.

4. Don't bitch when I am trying to hook the class up with an easy grade. Yes, you might not benefit from it because of some perceived injustice, but you have a 98 in the class. It will still be an A.

5. If the deadline to receive approval for your presentation is 2PM the day before, don't send me your idea at 2:30 and still expect full credit. If you had read the assignment sheet, you would know that you are now starting with a 75.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not Me Monday - I'm not a procrastinator

I did not procrastinate all day Thursday despite the firm deadlines that Friday held for me. The result was not one giant Manic mess. This is not a list of everything that HAD to get done Friday.
  • 2009 taxes
  • 3 years P&L's for the business for some award thingy
  • write quiz for class
  • learn what the heck I was teaching for class
  • meet 3 students before class
  • make emergency phone calls
  • file stuff at the court house
  • mail certified mail (on a tax deadline day no less)
  • have company over to watch the baseball game

All went well until my final stop at the courthouse. I was not racing around like a bat out of hell so that I could beat rush hour traffic home.

I am not too cheap to pay for parking at the garage. I did not use the excuse that I didn't have any cash despite Big Chocolate assuring me that they took plastic. I did not find great street parking and rush in to the back door of the courthouse. My cell phone did not set of the metal detector at security. I did not have to run it through by itself.

I did not run straight to the clerk's office and make my filing in under a minute. I did not race back to my car and get five blocks away from the courthouse and almost get on the highway when I realized I didn't have my cell phone. Shit. I did not leave it at security.

I did not say to hell with being cheap and park in the parking garage the second time around. I did not make it in and out of the courthouse with my phone this time in under two minutes.

In the less than two minutes I was at the courthouse I did not manage to lose my parking ticket. I did not say to hell with it and decide to pay the lost ticket fee just to get back on the road.

When I drove up to the cashier, she did not inform me that they were cash only. I did not curse my sweet loving husband for leading me astray. I did not have to back up a couple of hundred feet while other cars were trying to leave so that I could park and go back in through security one more time to the ATM. I did not make myself feel better by thinking about what a great blog post this would make.

I was not hit by as stroke of genius as I sat there. The cashier did not have to count $9 worth of pennies, nickels and dimes from my ashtray.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

One of Those Days

I like to call this "Self-Portrait of an Ass". Hint - if you don't get it, look at the top of my head.

So today is officially going to be one of those days. So much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. Plus I have that sinking feeling like the shit is going to hit the fan.

It's sad but the highlight of my day is probably going to be that I was able to find all of the stuff I need to do our taxes shoved in the back of the crap drawer. I was so forward thinking when I put it there. Seriously what are the odds that I would have put every W-2, 1099 and deduction document in the same drawer. I guess I should be happy that I have a day and a half before my extension runs out.

Instead of my cup, my sink runneth over - with dirty dishes. We just haven't been home enough to do shit about it. I suppose I could be loading the dishwasher now instead of blogging, but I have towels in the dryer now and find that multi-tasking just leads to a sloppy work product IMO.

My best friend is coming in from out of town, and while I have informed her my house needs to be burnt to the ground and rebuilt and that I don't clean for "friends", my husband is going to insist on having the place spotless. This is just going to make me feel guilty for inviting someone over and causing him to have to do so much work. It's not actually going to cause me to clean though.

On the bright side I already have dinner out of the freezer - all I have to do tonight is throw it in the oven and make noodles. If I had to lay odds on it, the kids will get to the food first and not leave anything for us to eat. That has been hapening alot lately. All this to say I will have cooked dinner and been prepared and still not get credit for cooking tonight. Arrgh.

I think I may just go back to bed and not wake up until Saturday.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - You might have a drinking problem if...

7th Grade Football

C-Dub played in his 5th football game of his life yesterday. They played their rivals and lets just say even with their 16 year-old quarter back, they are no longer undefeated. Apparently the other team had a couple of 17 year-olds playing for them.

Despite never having played a down of football in his life C-Dub not only made the A Team, but is a starter. He makes steady improvement in his play each week.

He has stellar stats including 1 penalty (the first play of the first game, 0 receptions, 1 incident of being burned for a touchdown, 0 daisies picked and only one fumble - his mouth guard. It was recovered by his oh so awesome parents though.

Which leads me to my next comment about middle school football. During the all important mouth guard recovery we came across six more. How do six kids lose their mouth guards?

This is six more that we had to pick up with our hands and examine to see if they were his $40 custom molded because he has braces. Six more that were the exact same black plastic color that my son chose when he could have picked any color in the rainbow because I paid $40 for the damn thing and it was custom.

There was serious discussion of bringing all six of the mouth guards home for him to test out, but that would have just been cruel.

And for a funny, I like to call this one "Beam me down, Water Boy".

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Swag Bucks meets Groupon oh my.

Swagbucks and Groupon sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes a Swag-Groupie in a baby carriage.

If you don't know how much I love Swagbucks, you haven't ever read my blog before. If you have never used Groupon, you don't know what you are missing. If you would like to earn swagbucks for your groupon purchases, keep reading.

If you go to Swagbucks special offers section and select TrialPay's Local Deals, it will have a link that will give you 160 swagbucks for taking advantage of that day's Groupon.

I got 160 Swagbucks for buying a $10 gift certificate to Pacuigo for $5 Sunday and another 160 Swagbucks for spending $10 on a $25 gift certificate to Banana Leaf.

I am in Value Whore heaven!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Freezer Cooking Gone Wild

I have put up 8 meals in the freezer in the last two days. That would be 16 meals for a "normal" family, but my kids can eat! I cooked 3 pounds of orange chicken last week and they ate it all. All as in Big Chocolate had to go to Chic-fil-A for a sandwich because they ate all of it and packed the rest for lunch.

As of right now, I have 2 trays of baked ziti, 2 trays of bacon wrapped chicken with cream cheese filling, 2 trays of Paula Deen's beef stew and two gallon bags of spaghetti sauce with sliced Italian sausage.

I cheated and got a 6 pound can of spaghetti sauce from costco, so the spaghetti sauce just required cooking the sausage and throwing a handfull of itallian seasoning in the zip lock.

The ziti was easy too. I used the same sauce and mixed some ricotta with garlic salt and itallian seasoning, dumped in a bag of shredded mozzerella and poured the sauce on top.

The bacon wrapped chicken was messy but fun. I took a 2.5 pound bag of frozen chicken strips and smeared half of them with a mixture of cream cheese, garlic and italian seasoning. Then you put another frozen chicken strip on top and wrap it with bacon. I can't wait to try these.

The stew was made Sunday and definately the most labor intensive project. That was because I am too damn cheap to buy stew meat though. Tom Thumb had chuck roasts b1g1 and they had two in the old meat bin for 30% off. What's even better is the computer takes off the 100% value when it gives you your second one free. I got 8 pounds of roast for $6 or $7.

I'm trying to get up the energy to cut and bake 10 pounds of roasted red potatoes to go with the stew and just to have. I promised C-Dub we would make a few loaves of banana bread too.

I love days off from school. Only thing the kids and I had going today was early morning football practice for C-Dub. Though I'm sure we have forgotten something that I will be totally mortified we forgot. For now I am just enjoying it though.

This post is linked up at Life as Mom.

Not Me Monday - The Tea Party Edition

My girls did not decide to have a tea party at 11pm last night. The theme was not Mad Hatter.

It was also not Princess in the Pea meets structural engineering project.

Most importantly, this is not Mars in front of the Christmas tree that still hasn't been taken down.

As an aside my child is not the spawn of the devil - despite what her brother might have to say on the matter.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A Typical Sunday

Just a typical Sunday here at Casa de Half-Assed. I started off a tad bit hung over from the football game last night and then dropped the kids off at church to volunteer with the Kinder kids during first service. I went grocery shopping while they were there and then met back up with them for "Big Church".

Now I'm cooking a triple batch of Paula Deen's Beef Stew for the freezer and yelling and cussing at the kids because they are doing a completely half assed job cleaning. Domestic Bliss I tell you.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Super Easy Crock Pot Teriyaki Chicken

I think this is the easiest thing I have ever "cooked". (I use the term very loosely here)

What you need:
1 - 1 1/2 pounds frozen boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/2 bottle Honey Teriyaki Marinade (Lawry's or KC Masterpiece - can't remember now)
1 cup of chicken stock

Put hunk of frozen chicken in crockpot. Dump marinade and stock on top. Now for the hard part... Program crockpot to start cooking on low in about 6 hours so the chicken has time to defrost. I cooked mine on low for 2 hours and then on warm for another 2 hours or so. It was perfect - moist and juicy. FWIW I think 4 hours on low might have dried it out too much.

Serve with buttered noodles and veggies if you have anyone that will eat them.

This is a blog hop!

Leave a Message at the Beep

So, Mars has taken to saying "Mars isn't here right now, leave a message at the beep." when I ask her to do something.

I can't wait until she starts cutting me off after the beep with "I'm sorry this voice mail box is full, please try again later."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Can you tell what I do for a living?

At the football game last night I was *ahem* mixing myself a few drinks. Alas the only thing I had to stir with was a dry erase marker!

As an aside do you have any idea how much rum you have to drink to put away 900 calories at 50 calories an ounce??? Good thing I was mixing it with Diet Coke instead of the fully leaded stuff.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sex Ed the Half Assed Way

I may or may not have told a group of boys that were talking about not using condoms because you can just pull out that from what I have heard, "that Q-Tip ain't no joke". And then described in apparently scarring detail how the Q-Tip is used to detect STD's. I love being me. I hope they fear the Q-Tip every time they even think about sex.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Holy Moly!

I have been busy lately. I swear I am going to try to start blogging again a couple of times a week. School has started back again and it is running me ragged. As best I can tell, I have 2 nights a week that are free.

Chris is playing football. He is a starter on the A team and very proud of it. Mars is loving the freedom of Jr. High. The responsibility not so much...

I'm teaching a new class this semester. It is going well, but it is a ton of work since I have never taught it before. I am also officially Big Chocolate's only employee.

Here's my funny for the day: So Monday I was worn out and chillin at the 7th grade football game shoving nacho's in my mouth like I've never eaten before. I told Big Chocolate that I was drowning my sorrows in Nacho Cheese. He replies "That's OK. I'm going to drown my sorrows in Nacho Pu**y. LOL. That man is crazy...

Monday, July 5, 2010


Summer school has started. Two days down only 20 or so to go. Only 6 of 14 students graced me with their presence the first two days of class. The other eight are in for a rude awakening on Tuesday.

We have had a crazy weekend! We picked Chris up from camp Saturday and the kids and I spent the evening at our church's July 4th celebration. I unloaded my two kids only to end up with someone else's five year-old. It is amazing how much less annoying other people's kids are than my own. Dare I say they are cute?

Yesterday, we spent the morning at the pool and then caught Karate Kid and The Last Airbender at the Theater. Better than the movies was the Kahlua Mudslide I had at the theater? If you haven't it is a must. I can't believe I've made it almost 35 years without ever trying one before. I must make up for lost time I tell you.

Off to another pool party and then we have to either clean the house or burn it down. I'm leaning towards burning it down truth be told!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Not Me Monday - The Road Trip Edition

I did NOT spend just shy of 19 hours in the car this weekend to get no farther than 250 miles from home. I did NOT fill up at a gas station with a running truck filling up to me on one side and a trailer marked EXPLOSIVES on the other side.

It's NOT a miracle I'm still alive!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Isn't It Ironic

Isn't it ironic that a spilled gallon of laundry detergent makes such a big freaking mess? As if the giant puddle of blue stuff wasn't bad enough, we have Dexter worthy amount of spatter that made it all the way out of the laundry room and up onto the stairs in the hallway.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I'm back

Just a quick post to say that I am in fact alive and plan to start blogging again soon. We have been busy with work, the end of school and camp and I am sorry I have neglected you all. A few updates for your consideration:

I am again gainfully employed. I start teaching summer school July 1st. I am sure I this will give me plenty of material for the blog. It will be so nice to have a boss I am not married to.

The Christmas tree is still up. I have resigned myself to it making it until next Christmas. We are already over half way to Thanksgiving, so I am just going to roll with it.

After two weeks at the pool more or less non stop my children are in fact brown again.

I have found about 3 pounds that I need to lose, but I just can't make myself quit eating crap.

I decided my cell phone was dirty so I thought it would be wise to wash with the sheets from my bed. Apparently that wasn't a good plan.

Holy crap, I typed this entire post without a single mispelling.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'm in Love

with the old meat bin at the grocery store. That's what I call it. I'm sure they call it something that sounds much sexier. Needless to say that when it comes to buying red meat the old meat bin and I are monogamous.

Today, I was able to get hamburger meat for $1 a pound, Extra Lean Stew meat for $2 a pound and a rump roast for $4. I got at least 6 meals worth of meat for $10.

I threw the meat in the freezer and predict that next week tacos, roast and stew will be on the menu. What's even better is I already have most of the grocery's I need to complete these meals.

As for this week, I am hoping that after I make the tortellini tonight and a pot of pinto beans tomorrow, the ham will be all gone. I have a sneaky feeling I am going to have to pull one more itteration of ham and something out of the air to get down to the ham bone and make the pintos.

Any ideas other than the standard stuff you find on the internet when you search leftover ham?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Oh No I Didn't

Just feed the kids ham and Easter Eggs for dinner.

Left-Over Ham Recipe

I might have accidentally bought a 9 pound ham for the 4 of us for Easter. OOPS. We may be eating ham until the end of time. I may have just become the Bubba Gump of ham.

Here's what I am cooking tonight or tomorrow. It's different than most of the leftover ham recipe's you will find out there and it is really easy and good.

Tortellini with Ham and Peas
  • 1 lb cheese tortellini
  • 1 cup frozen peas
  • 3 tbsp butter
  • 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • salt and pepper
  • 1/2 cup grated Parmesan
  • 1/4 lb ham chopped

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook tortellini until just al dente as package directs. Add peas for last 30 seconds of cooking time.

Drain tortellini and peas and return to pot. Stir in butter, cream, salt, pepper, parm and ham. Turn stove on to medium and cook, stirring until everything is heated through about 2-3 minutes.

Not Me Monday - The Locked Out Edition

Big Chocolate did NOT lock himself out of his office last Sunday. He did NOT lock in his keys and cell phone.

He definitely did NOT lock his shoes in his office either. He did NOT have to go downstairs to the Mexican restaurant barefoot to call for help.

I did NOT have to go ring my neighbor's doorbell to bum a ride to my car so that I could go and rescue him.

I am NOT secretly amazed that this story didn't happen in reverse. I would have bet money that I would be the one to be locked out and desperate.

On a completely different note, I did NOT catch my self flipping the imaginary blinker on my shopping cart before I turned left onto the tortilla isle at Walmart this weekend. The traffic in that store was hell I tell you.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I have a confession to make. I went to Costco last month and bought the super king kong mega pack of eggs. Fifteen dozen eggs. I cannot believe it, but we ate all 15 dozen. We didn't even cheat by making Easter eggs with them either.

I thought it seemed like I was buying a dozen eggs every other day. I guess I really was. Sad thing is that I just went to target and bought a dozen dozen eggs this week since they were 99 cents each. Even sadder thing is that I bought 15 pounds of bacon last week.

Have I mentioned that there are only four of us plus the constant stream of friends on the weekend? We eat a lot of breakfast! Just today we used 18 eggs for breakfast (for lunch) for 5 of us. We had yummy scrambled eggs with ham and cheese and a loaf's worth of french toast.

Crock Pot Coq Au Vin

You'll need:

2-3 pounds boneless skinless chicken thighs (or more if you only have bone in)
1 pkg lipton beefy onion soup mix
1 cup beef broth
1 cup red wine
pkg mushrooms (baby bella's are best)
1 onion or pkg frozen pearl onions

Season your chicken well with salt and pepper. Brown it in a a couple tablespoons oil or bacon grease if you are adventurous. Layer chicken in your crockpot, dump onion soup mix, mushrooms and onions on top of chicken and pour in beef stock and red wine. Cook on low for 6 hours or high for 2-3 hours.

You can use this same technique to cook a fabulous pot roast too. For other crockpot recipes visit SmockityFrock's What's in your Crockpot Carnival.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Monday, March 29, 2010

Bible in 90 Days - The Home Stretch

2 1/2 Days to Go. I am off pace, but it is not insurmountable. I am at the beginning of Philippians now which leaves me 88 chapters left to go. I know I could read 88 chapters of a James Patterson book in 2 days, so I know I can do this.

I will update as I work my way through to the end.

Update 3/30 Noon - 62 chapters left to go.
Update 3/30 2:30 PM - 53 chapters left to go.
Update 3/30 6:10 PM - 33 chapters left to go.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The End Times Are A-Comin'

First the earthquakes, and now my children are eating OATMEAL. For Dinner. By Choice.

Dear Candyman

A note from the office vending machine. I am attributing this to my good friend Blinderman until conclusive evidence of her innocence is presented:

Please be advised that the Twix and KitKat selections are not working. Please be aware that there are PMSing women in this building that cannot be held responsible for what happens to your machine if this is not fixed.

Update: Blinderman didn't even know the sign was there at all. I wonder who the resident comedian of the office building is????

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Dear Nana Part 2

We finally finished the puzzle. Technically Mar Dub finished it because she came home and it only had about 2o pieces left.

I had been saving those to do together, but what the heck it is done. We can take it apart if that will convince you to come back and see us again soon though.

Damn it! I just noticed a piece is missing. I was so proud of us for not loosing any pieces too.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dear Nana

Dear Nana,

I know you have only had grandchildren for the last 12 years of your life, but for the love of everything holy, we have talked about the small pieces rule for like the last 10 of them.

Yes, A 550 piece jigsaw puzzle has alot of small pieces in case you missed the memo. Yes, it is still on my dining room table in many, many small pieces.

You will never guess who has been the only person working on said puzzle. You're going to have to come back soon to finish the damned puzzle so I can get it off my table.

Your Half-Assed Daughter

Monday, March 22, 2010

Not Me Monday - The MOM I'm Warning You Not To Read Edition

While running errands like a crazy woman this week, I did NOT get to the gas station and have to buy $5 worth of gas because I couldn't find my debit card. I NEVER would have left my debit card in the ATM at the bank. NOT ME.

If I had done such a stupid thing, I would NOT have been brave enough to go back to the bank and tell the teller, "I'm an Ass and I think I left my debit card in the ATM." I do have a little pride left. In the end, I would NOT have been satisfied with the fact that I got my card back and Big Chocolate never has to know as well as excited by the adventure because I had something good for my blog.

At dinner Friday night, the following did not leave my lips: "If you think I'm going to trade 'painful butt sex' for a sun-dried tomato you have lost your mind." That was a friend's description by the way. I wouldn't know. Damn the double negatives here. I really, really wouldn't know that.

Big Chocolate did NOT accuse me of being a slob Saturday for wearing sweatpants and a holy sweatshirt to the movies. I would NEVER leave the house looking like that even if I was only going to be out in public for 3 minutes with the lights on and 2 hours in the dark. I did NOT have to go with the holy sweatshirt because it was the only one I had clean.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - Cheap Coupons

Rather than buying the expensive big city paper for $2.50 to get my weekly coupons, I learned that I can buy the local paper for 50 cents. They come out on Friday and have the exact same coupons as the Big Paper had the previous Sunday. Patience really pays off and that Works for Me.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Today is Mega SwagBucks Day

I just got 50 SwagBucks for searching the internet! So far I have earned enough swagbucks since the first of the year for $105 in Amazon Gift Cards!

When you sign-up they start you off with 30 free SwagBucks. It only takes 450 to earn your first $5 Amazon gift card. If you sign up, make sure you check out my SwagBucks Help Tab above. It has lots of advice on how to earn a ton of SwagBucks.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Betty Crocker Giveaway!

Read how you can help Betty Crocker grant the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions. Then enter for a chance to win a Betty Crocker Prize Pack!

The prize package provided by Betty Crocker and My Blog Spark includes: (1) package of the Betty Crocker Brownie Mix, (1) package of the Betty Crocker Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix, (1) Betty Crocker Spoon, and Betty Crocker will make a $25 donation to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Between now and April 15th, there are two ways you can help Betty Crocker support the Make-A-Wish foundation:

1. Participate in the Give $5, Get $5 promotion. Visit from now through March 31st, donate $5, and get $5 worth of downloadable Betty Crocker coupons!


2. Purchase your favorite Betty Crocker® products this spring. For every specially marked package purchased, Betty Crocker will donate 10¢ to the Make-A-Wish Foundation® (guaranteed minimum donation of $250,000 and a maximum donation of $500,000).

To Enter the giveaway, just leave a comment below asking to be entered and check back on March 30 to see if you won.

The winner will be selected randomly and if I can figure out how to email the winner, I will. No promises on the email though. I know, even my giveaway's are a little half-assed.

If I don't hear back from the winner within 48 hours , I will select another winner. GOOD LUCK!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - Chargers and Power Cords Oh My

Hate having to dig through a tangle of cords to find the phone charger or power cord you need? Too lazy to do much about it?

When I have a charger or power cord that is ready to go into the junk drawer, I just stick it in a ziplock and seal it up. This keeps the cords from getting tangled up with each other.

If you are feeling really proactive you could even label the ziplock with a sharpie, but where is the fun in that?

I Think Monk Works Here

The mustard is a bit disheveled, but everything else is utterly amazing!

People didn't look at me like I was crazy at all when I pulled out my phone to take a picture !

Monday, March 8, 2010


It was so hard to keep from Laughing Out Loud (I would have put LOL, but I don't think my mom knows what that means) at the woman at Costco checking out with 3 Super King Kong Mega Packs of Nicorette while chewing the heck out of her gum. I'm kind of surprized she wasn't buying patches too.

Not Me Monday - Not My Christmas Tree

I am NOT sitting on the couch staring at our Chrismas Tree wondering if it will ever make it's way back to the garage.

There is NOT a chance that Big Chocolate would walk past an 8 foot Christmas tree everyday and not notice that it was still there right?

As I sit here and type, I am NOT considering accepting reality and planning for year-round decorations for the thing. If my Christmas Tree were up in the summer we could decorate it with American Flag's for July 4th.

Oops, I did NOT just get a great idea and decide to be really passive aggressive and have the kids start making decorations for Big Chocolate's Birthday.

Perhaps the best benefit of all if it were still up is that we wouldn't have to wait until 2 days before Christmas to decorate the thing next year.

This is NOT my Christmas Tree.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Dear Douche Bag

Dear Douche Bag,

Yeah you. the one with bling on the ass of your jeans. Not a good look on a man by the way. Sorry, I digress.

When you are at an establishment with unisex bathrooms, put the freaking seat down. And for the love of everything holy, FLUSH THE TOILET! "If it's yellow let it mellow" is only quasi appropriate if you are at your own home and not in a public restroom.

PS. I am going out on a limb here and assuming that since you didn't have the time to put the seat down or flush, you probably didn't take the time to wash your hands either.

This has been a Half-Assed Housewife Emergency Rant. We now return you to your regular programming.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Super Saving Saturday

This week was pretty slow on the shopping front. I missed out on a great deal at Tom Thumb and am still bitter! I can't believe I missed out on almost free paper towels. Darn Nickle Ding Dong.

I did get in on the cereal deal at Kroger and got 4 boxes of cereal and 2 gallons of milk for $6. I also caught flour on sale at Tom Thumb for $1.50 for a 5 pound bag and used 75 cents off coupons from All told I was able to get 7 bags of flour and 10 2 liters of Diet Dr. Pepper for $10.50. On the bright side now that I am properly stocked up on caffeine, I am sure my blog posts will be much better.

Other than that, I have been pretty much operating out of the pantry and freezer this week.

I did have a great week on SwagBucks and cashed out $25 ($15 was carryover from February) worth of Amazon Gift Cards. That brings my total to $95 in 2010. Woo Hoo.

I almost forgot, I also received my free copy of the Busy Mom's Bible from Zondervan this week. I entered a giveaway for it about 2 weeks ago. I am so excited. Now I don't have to carry Big Chocolate's Men's Devotional Bible with me everywhere I go.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Free Studio Movie Grill Tickets Are Back

If you have a Studio Movie Grill near you, you can sign up here to have 2 free movie passes sent to you via email. Each person can register to receive the coupon for 2 free passes. We did this in January and got 8 tickets between the four of us.

I just signed up again and got 8 more free movie tickets! Happy movie watching!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - Free Item Coupons

I never pass up a Coupon for a FREE anything - even if it is something I will probably never use. Why?

One of my favorite stores has 2 free item coupons each week. They might be good for free milk, juice, bacon, eggs, chicken or other great stuff. Only catch is you have to make a $10 additional purchase.

I like to use free item coupons I find online in order to meet those minimum purchase requirements. Right now I have a coupon for free Excedrin up to $5.99. I don't use Excedrin, but I will "buy" it so my required minimum purchase becomes $4 instead of $10 to get the other good stuff I have store coupons for.

Don't worry, I never waste my Free stuff. I always find someone who will use it or donate it.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Not Me Monday: Not My Kitchen

Friday night while putting up the clean dishes, my daughter did not knock a 2 liter of soda on to the floor. The lid was not loose on this two liter causing it to spray all over the room.

My daughter did not take one for the team and jump down on the floor with it spraying her in the face while she tried to get the lid back on tight.

No not her. Not in my kitchen. Not all over my dishwasher full of clean dishes. Not all over the cabinets either. Definitely not inside of the cabinets. Do you have any idea how much water I mean Diet Dr. Pepper Pressure it would take for it to spray up and into a closed cabinet? I am pretty sure that did not happen because it would seemingly defy a few laws of physics.

It did not take several bath towels to wipe up the mess. I sure as heck did not say at least it was Diet Dr. Pepper instead of real Dr. Pepper so it could not get sticky and actually require mopping. That would have been lazy of me not to mop after such a huge mess.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My Son's In a Commercial!

Remember the discussion that Big Chocolate and C-Diddy had last month? Well he has his very own commercial now.

Super Saving Saturday - Holy Chicken Boobies

This week had the makings of a bad shopping week. Too much working, not enough shopping I tell you.

Target ($1.49)
  • 2 dozen eggs
  • box of tampons

Look around for Target coupons on the registers. I know some squeemish dude must have gotten the free tampon coupon and ditched it like a hot potato. Well, I found it and appreciate it.

What does it say about your life when you are excited about free tampons? I let an incredible opportunity for a pun slide by here. You should really thank me.

Market Street ($16)

  • approx 26 pounds of chicken breast
  • Simply Orange Juice (free coupon)
  • 8 oz block of cheddar cheese (free coupon)
  • 3 pounds of oranges and
  • 5 pounds of baking potatoes

Target ($16)

  • Mitchum Deodorant (Free),
  • 2 Olay Body Washes (Free),
  • 2 Venus Razors,
  • Pork Tenderloin and
  • Italian Sausage

The darned sausage was full price, but I wanted to make spaghetti for dinner, so a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I have had a decent week on Swagbucks. I have about $15 in Amazon Gift Cards to cash out come March 1st. I am pretty sure that gets me to $85 this year so far. I also used $35 of them to buy Big Chocolate a very nice cigar cutter for his birthday. You better not tell, it will ruin the surprise.

Swagbucks turned 2 this week. They adjusted the scale to where you get 1o swagbucks for most searches, but everything costs 1o times as much too. They are going to be adding new ways to earn over the next couple of months. They have already added one new way to win everyday. Check out my Swagbucks help tab to learn how to maximize your freebies.

Here's a deal to get you started for next week:
Through Tuesday at Kroger you can buy 4 Kelloggs cereals for $10 and get 2 gallons of milk free. There is a $1 off 3 boxes of cereal coupon on and you get a $3 Catalina back when you buy 4 boxes 10 oz or larger of

  • frosted flakes
  • fruit loops
  • apple jacks
  • corn pops
  • cocoa krispies or
  • honey smacks.

This works out to $6 for 2 gallons of milk and 4 boxes of cereal.

If you know of any great deals coming next week, feel free to link up your posts here.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sibling Rivalry

I walked by Mar Dub's room the other day and saw this. C-Diddy likes to sit outside her door and make noise, drum, talk to himself or whatever else he can think of to bug the poo out of her. Is it bad that I want to put a similar sign up on my door that says the same thing and is directed at both of them?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - Cook Book

What's a girl to do with all of those recipes printed off the Internet and found in magazines? I use an old school photo album to keep mine.

The plastic covered pages are easy to wipe down when you spill or splash. The three ring binder aspect of the photo book makes it easy to remove pages from the book when you are ready to cook or rearrange pages. If a recipe sucks and you never want to make it again, you can just pull back the plastic, trash the recipe and replace with a new one. When you are all done cooking you can shelve your cook book with the rest of the REAL cook books.

I have visions of re-organizing mine so that it is put together like a real cook book. I don't want to have to dig for the recipe I'm looking for. For now though, my cook book like everything else in my life remains half-assed.

Help me out and link up to a great recipe that you have on your blog below.

Mafia Wars Words of Wisdom

According to Big Chocolate,

"The best member of your mafia is the one who's password you have."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Yes I am a mafia wars loser. How am I supposed to entertain myself between blog posts?

Have I mentioned it's free, mindless entertainment that I can share with my husband. I play Mafia Wars to strengthen my marriage. Yeah, that's it!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Not Me Monday

C-Diddy did NOT come downstairs and announce that he was the strongest person in the house. Big Chocolate did NOT "toss" him a 12 pound medicine ball in response. C-Diddy did NOT catch said medicine ball with his face. Mar-Dub did NOT run straight to my room to tattle on her Daddy.

I did NOT yell at the kids for tracking mud all over the house. I did NOT later find out that the suspect mud was on the bottom of my shoes. At least I did NOT make Mar-Dub clean it up anyway.

My children did NOT have beignets for breakfast Saturday followed by Ramen Noodles and Sugar cookies for lunch. They did NOT proceed to go to a birthday party and eat more cake and ice cream .

I did NOT eat over a dozen cookies this weekend. When Big Chocolate saw me eating the last one, I did NOT inform him that he was giving himself cancer by smoking a cigar so getting fat wasn't so bad.

What did you NOT do this week?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

This Weeks Deals

I had a pretty good week shopping this week. I used $35 of my Amazon Gift Cards that I got for FREE through SwagBucks to get a Water Filter for the Fridge for Free. I know a water filter isn't exactly sexy, but I needed it and didn't have to spend any cash on it, so I am happy.

I also hit the lotto at the library and got 4 books that I have been patiently waiting for.

As far as shopping goes, here's the skinny:

CVS - 2 Crest Pro-enamel Mouthwashes, Starburst Candy, Gallon of Milk = Overage of $2.57 back in ECB's

Market Street - Bacon, Eggs, Double Stuffed Oreos, organic strawberies, and a lobster tail for $6.96

Kroger - 6 cans of Pillsbury Biscuits, Non-Stick Foil, Peanut Butter, Jelly, 5 Kraft Mac and Cheese, Cheese slices, 10 Ramen Noodles, Rice = $10.29 paid with gift card from RX transfer

Walgreens - Dove Mens Body Wash, 3 John Frieda Shampoos, Ear Drops, 8x10 photo collage, 8x10 frame, ear drops = $4.21

The photo collage and frame were for Big Chocolate's Valentines day gift. The photo was free and the frame was $4.99, so I got all of the other stuff for free and had a few cents of overage to apply to the frame purchase.

Tom Thumb - I bought one Super King Kong Mega Mega Pack of Bounty and one of Charmin. The paper towels were for the office, so I am writing that $13 off as a business expense. I got a $10 Catalina back, so I basically got our ginourmous package (48 rolls) of toilet paper for $3. I also got 2 pounds of butter for $3.

Target - I got lucky and found some chuck steaks marked down and got 3 pounds for about $4. I am going to cut these down into stew meat and make Paula Deen's Beef Stew Recipe. I have every thing else I need in the fridge and it is super easy - even I have yet to destroy it.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Love Notes Gone Wrong

I thought it would be cute to leave the kids a note on the bathroom mirror. I wrote
"You're My Favorite!" in purple dry erase marker on the mirror. This way whoever looked in the mirror would know they were my favorite.

I was impressed with my creativity and the irony of anyone looking in the mirror being my favorite. That is until I went in the bathroom and saw scrawled at the bottom of the mirror, "Not you C-Diddy" with a smiley face with buck teeth.

Around our house the buck teeth are the nuclear bomb of insults. Let's just say that C-Diddy's braces have worked a miracle.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Things I Love Thursday: Bible on CD

As I may have mentioned before, I am reading the Bible in 90 Days. I should adjust that and say covering the whole Bible in 90 Days. I have started supplementing my reading with the Bible on CD.

It has been a great tool to catch up when I am behind. I feel like I get more out of "reading" it this way, but I am a very auditory learner. The added bonus is that you can listen while you drive.

I will say that it does take longer to listen than it does to read though again the fact that I can drive or fold laundry while listening more than makes up for this.

Hopefully this doesn't mean I'm reading the Bible Half-Assed.

Post Office

I'm not real sure why the man in line next to me at the post office laughed when I told C-Diddy and Mar Dub not to call me back unless the house was on FIRE or someone was BLEEDING to death.

It was only the 389th time they had called while I was in line. They were on one of their giggling tirades where they think of something funny to call and tell on the other one. You can barely understand them because they are both laughing so hard. I'm pretty sure it's a conspiracy just to drive me insane(r).

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - Coupon Organizing

You might have noticed that I'm a Coupon Whore! When making multiple stops throughout the week I use a colored paper clip to keep coupons together for each store. Target coupons are bundled with a red paper clip. Tom Thumb with a Blue, etc. If you want to go wild, you can even paper clip a small shopping list with your coupons so you don't forget the other stuff you need from that store. I keep all of this in my SMALL plastic coupon organizer. In my obscenely expensive purse. Sorry had to point out the irony.

I like doing it this way because I always used to hand the cashier at least one coupon from the wrong store and then they think your an idiot (or worse - like your stealing). It also allows me to sit down with the ads on Wednesday and Sunday and plan my trips for the week. That way when I find myself near the stores I need to go to I can just pop in and have everything ready to go.

Check Out The Gun Show

It took this picture after the following conversation:

Big Chocolate: Check out the Guns. You know you like them.

HAH: They are pretty impressive.

C-Diddy: Not as impressive as mine.

Incidentally I was able to crop out all of the crap on the living room floor, but could not make the Christmas tree disappear. What's a girl to do. I can undecorate it, but I need the Big Guns to take it down and put it out in the garage again.

I wonder if it will make it to Easter again this year.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Shameless Plugs

I got 700 hits on my blog yesterday! That is the most I have ever had by far. In honor of this momentous (is that a word?) occasion, I invite you to post a shameless plug for your blog in the comments section. Please visit at least a couple of the bloggers who plug away and let them know that you found them on Half Assed Housewife.

ETA: Next time I will host a McLinkey. What can I say it was late last night when I decided to do this.

Not Me Monday - The Big Foot Edition

My10 year old daughter did not have to wear my shoes most of the weekend because hers were soaked from the snow.

My 10 year old daughter does not wear size 8 1/2 shoes. She also does not only own one pair of shoes at a time because her feet grow so darn fast we never know if they will last 2 days or 2 months.

My daughter did not once throw a fit at school because her shoes didn't fit. She didn't take her shoes off and throw them at her best friend to make the point that they didn't fit. Big Chocolate did not bring her home from school just so he could ahem "discipline her".

After being "disciplined" she did not keep jumping up and down over and over yelling "I'm not wearing shoes that don't fit!" I did not have to bail and have her wear a pair of her big brother's shoes so she could go to school and not be "disciplined" all day long.

I did not promptly go buy her a new pair of shoes and have it delivered to her classroom in the middle of the day. I am not a bad mom!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

This Weeks Deals

This week was another good week for me. I cashed out another $25 in Amazon Gift Cards from SwagBucks. This brings my total collected to $60 in 2010. I also received my first 2 free books from Paperback Swap.

Here is a list of my runs for the week:

Target Run 1: 2 Fusion Razors + bag of chopped pecans = $1.87 after gift cards earned

Target Run 2: 2 Fusion Razors, 3 bottles of Listerine, 5 boxes of oatmeal, cold medicine, ziplocs = $10.26 after gift cards earned

I may never have to buy razors again. I ordered coupons off of ebay a couple of years ago when I found a deal to get them for free. I have about 50 (each with a refill cartridge) under my sink in the bathroom. Now when I can get them for free or for pennies, I pick up a few to replace what we have depleted from our stockpile.

Tom Thumb: 2 Fruit Roll ups, 2 Trix Cereal, 2 Grands Biscuits, 2 Pizza Crusts, 2 Crescent Rolls, tortillas, hot dogs, hot dog buns & miracle whip = $11.14 This was more than I had wanted to spend on this, but some of my loadable coupons didn't come off and some of the things like the pizza crusts were more expensive than other options, but I just wanted them for quick, fun meals.

Market Street: Pound of marinated Chicken Breasts, Pound of Deli Turkey, Pound of Deli Cheese, Cranberry Sauce, Can of Vegetables, Can of Cream of Chicken Soup, 2 Rolls Paper Towels = $12.08

I would have been able to do more, but I lost a couple of prime shopping days to laziness and bad weather.

Be sure to check out my Value Whore tab for coupon resources and websites I use to locate great deals. If you are interested in trying SwagBucks and want some tips to help you earn, "there's a tab for that". Hey, I feel like an iPhone commercial.

Happy Shopping Next Week!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Snowpocalpse - Day 2 - An Update

Why did a male child of mine who shall remain nameless take the mail out to the mailbox in a pair of pajama bottoms and nothing else? Not even shoes. I swear he's going to earn a Darwin Award one day.

Snowpocalypse - Day 2

Wow is all I can see. We are into Day 2 of the Dallas version of the Snowpocalypse. Over a foot of snow in 24 hours.

The kids don't have school today and I am so happy. We are WAY behind on a couple of projects. I love 5th grade. I swear they don't think about how long this stuff will take when they come up with their "cute" ideas. How is it that one Challenge work sheet that took 2 minutes to print can take hours to complete? I can't decide if it's a good thing that they actually grade the thing or not. Our normal level of half-assing (AKA what the child can do by them self) is apparently unacceptable.

Needless to say I am thrilled by the opportunity to catch up. We will be creating a memory game, fraction manipulatives and a PowerPoint lesson on Fractions. We've already made a fractions worksheet and a cross word puzzle. Notice the royal "We". She has done 95% of the work, but at this point it has to be cleaned up and run through the computer so it "looks" like she worked harder on it than she actually did.

I think that we are going to make pizzas with some cheap pizza crusts I got this week for lunch and I'll probably pull out the last of the Rubber Chicken Noodle Soup that I have in the Freezer for dinner if I don't have enough miscellaneous leftovers for the day.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Half-Assed Snowpocalypse

My inner-meteorologist tells me that we have a couple of inches of snow on the ground here with more to come. So I may be over reaching with the whole Snowpocalypse thing, but this is the third time that we have had snow this winter already. Have I mentioned we live in TEXAS???

At first the kids were disappointed that they still had school today, but they quickly decided to make the best of it and have a snowball fight with their friends at the bus stop. It's amazing how Mar-Dub did not present me with some affliction that should keep her from going to school today.

I usually pity middle school teachers, but today they don't have a chance!

We have had turkey and dressing this week with one of my many turkeys in the freezer. I'm thinking I'll make a quick turkey pot pie with the rest of it tonight.

As luck would have it I stumbled across some free pie crusts last week. I didn't need them, but then I thought, "Who am I to question God's miraculous provision?" And , what do you know? Turkey pot pie sounds perfect right about now. I even think I have everything that I need already in the pantry.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Works For Me Wednesday - The School Supply Drawer

Tired of the kids always asking you where the X is for their homework? Tired of digging through a mess of pencils, pens and crayons in your junk drawer?

Might I suggest a plastic silverware tray? We have one drawer devoted to this kind of crap. (I have 2 other junk drawers, but that'll be our little secret.) Pencils, pens, sharpies/highlighters, and crayons/map pencils have their own divider. There is room for scissors and a stapler where the serving utensils go. Tape and post it notes etc. go where the dessert forks would go. Put it in the drawer with the the tape and post it notes closest to the drawer front and viola you can get to every thing you need.

Hey Somebody stole my stapler! And you can see my tingers! They are toes that look like fingers for those of you without exceptionally long toes. Have I mentioned I can plug my iron in with my toes. I'm a walking freak show I tell you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Adventures Of A One Car Family

If you are a family with only one car, I have to take my hat off to you. (Well I would if I wore one.) We've been down to one car since Friday. Big Chocolate gets his baby back tomorrow, and I am so happy. At this point I am not even that upset about the $900 repair bill. Yikes!

This has been harder than I imagined. We survived but with a few minor crisises. Or is it crisi?Monday morning we had a minor disaster when Big Chocolate's secretary called in sick and he showed up at the office without his keys and thus no way to get the file he needed for court. Of course I was stuck at the house and couldn't help him.

He came home and picked me up and took me back to the office at lunch so he could go meet a client. About 3:30 I get a call from Mar Dub saying she was locked out of the house (in the rain). Of course I have NO CAR again. I had to send her to the neighbors house and get a ride home from my friend Blinderman.

I'm thankful that we usually have 2 cars to help us all get where we need and want to go. I'm thankful for great friends and neighbors that take in our stray children from the cold and rain and give us emergency rides when we need them.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Not Me Monday - The Bad Parenting Edition

I may have mentioned before aka yesterday that I struggle with concentration at times. Well that has NOT been giving me lots of trouble lately. For example, I did NOT forget to pick up Hip Hop who was supposed to be spending the night with us Friday.

After being extorted to make Popcorn Balls Saturday morning, I did NOT say F-it and let the kids eat them all at once because I got tired of them asking me if they could have one over and over again.

My little princess did NOT go to band try-outs and come home having signed up to play the TUBA of all things. Oh how I do NOT dread the afternoons of one kid practicing percussion and the other practicing the TUBA.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bible in 90 Days - The Update

Well I am trucking along through the Bible. I got behind for about a week, but I am FINALLY caught up - Except for a couple of chapters from today, but I have all day and that's how I roll.

I have had a couple of people ask about how it works. Basically you have 2 grace days out of the 90 which have I mentioned that I haven't used yet. The other 88 days you read between 12 - 15 pages depending on the size of the print and the amount of other stuff such as devotionals your bible works in.

My bible has been MIA, so I have been dragging Big Chocolate's Mens Devotional Bible with me to read in spare minutes. I get a few crazy looks. I wonder if it's because it's the Bible or because it's the men's version.

My ADDness has been kicking my but lately and I must admit that I had to switch over to the NIRV which is basically the kids version for a couple of days. I'm not proud, but the whole Charlie Brown waa, waa, waa started kicking in and that is obviously not the point of this exercise.

If you are a prayer, please keep me in mind as I keep plugging along to reach my goal.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

It's Been a Good Week

For saving money, that is. Which is a good thing since Big Chocolate's Car decided to die on us. Hopefully it will be revived later this week and it will be a reasonable (read cheap) fix.

Anywho, I signed up for Paperback Swap this week. It's pretty cool. You list books you have that you are done with and promise to mail them to whomever requests them. You pay for the postage (think media mail) when you ship. When you receive you pay nothing. When you list your first 10 books, you get 2 credits which lets you request 2 books. When you send a book and it is received you get to request another book.

It's been a great week for Swagbucks. I have earned 75 this week. That is about &$7.50 in Amazon Gift Cards. Woo Hoo!

Here is a rundown of my grocery deals this week:

Kroger: There's a goldfish coupon out there that got me bags of goldfish for 13 cents each with the buy 10 deal they have going on. I went in with a friend and we got 5 bags of gold fish, 5 bags of rice cakes, toothpaste and cake frosting for $3.

Market Street: I got a free gallon of milk, free bag of parmesan cheese, 1 pound of turkey, 1 pound of cheese, bananas, bread and 1 1/2 pounds of flank steak for under $10. I got some other stuff in there for my $10, but let's face it that was Tuesday and I already forgot!

I used the free parm with some heavy cream that was about to expire and made my own alfredo sauce for the first time ever. It actually worked!

Target: Had a good run Sunday. Came out with 4 jars of pasta sauce, bananas, deodorant, Johnsonville Italian Sausage and a couple of other things which escape my feeble mind for about $6.

For the most part we cooked out of the freezer and pantry again this week. I carpe diemed (ha that sounds really bad) when I found the flank steak in the "old meat bin"though.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Count To 1000

So the other night we were out kind of late and the kids were tired and otherwise bitchy. In the car on the way home, we would have paid a million dollars for some peace and quiet. Big Chocolate finally tells the kids to close their eyes and count to 1000.

It gets quiet. We start talking. About 10 minutes later Mar Dub shouts "DONE" from the back seat. OK Mar Dub, count backwards from 4000.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Half-Assed Rolodex

Big Chocolate meets lots of people.
Big Chocolate collects lots of business cards.
Big Chocolate leaves lots of business cards all over the house.
Big Chocolate waits 3 years to make inquiry of random business card.
Half-Assed Housewife is fed up with being accused of "losing" "important" business card.
Half-Assed Rolodex is born.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Not Me Monday - The I'm NOT An Ass Edition

It has not been a bad weekend for making crass remarks about the handicapped. Last night watching the Grammy's I did not fix my lips to say that it looked like Andrea Bocelli was looking down Mary J. Blige's dress. I not kind of miss the memo that he was blind I promise. Big Chocolate did not almost fall out of the bed laughing at me.

While watching the Winter X-Games, I did not accuse the participants of the mono-ski competition of being freaking insane. It did not take me to the end of the race to realize that the dude's were paralyzed or amputees.

And now as promised a SwagBucks update. Insert anticipatory drumming sound here.

After being inspired by fellow bloggers tales of paying for Christmas with Swagbucks. I have been seriously Swaggin and have earned $35 worth of Amazon Gift cards in January. About $5 came from referrals. $10 came from completing a free trial and the rest came from searches or freebie swag codes that they make available from time to time.

I have installed their swidget on the right so that you can check for swag for Swag Codes. You can also search from there too. If you decide to become a swaggernaut like me I do reccomend that you install the toolbar and make swagbucks your default search engine. It makes a BIG difference.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Rubber Chicken

Man I have stretched the package of Chicken Leg Quarters farther than I ever would have imagined possible. Brokeness can be such an inspiration I tell you.

I got a couple of packages of Chicken Quarters for free. They were on sale at target a while ago and I used a target coupon and manufacturer's coupon to get them for free.

I stumbled across an un-recipe to make shredded chicken in the crock pot. I call it an un-recipe because you skin the legs and throw 'em in the crockpot on low for 8 hours. No water, no salt, no nothing.

When I woke up in the morning I fished out the chicken and shredded it. I got what I guestimate to be about 4 cups of shredded chicken. I threw the bones back in the pot with the juices.

I added about 6 cups of water, some onion, celery and bell pepper I had in the freezer and left it in the crockpot for another 8 hours or so to do its thing. FYI, I never throw away veggies. I always freeze them for stuff like this when they get too limp to use for anything else.

When I got home, I fished out the bones and the limp veggies and tossed them. Then I added a couple of hand fulls of noodles and chopped up 2 "good" carrots and celery stalks threw them in with a handful of the shredded chicken. Viola - Cheap and easy gallon of chicken noodle soup.

Tomorrow we are are having chicken taco's with the rest of the shredded chicken.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Free Trials

I just love free trials. One of the best one's that I have signed up for recently is a free year of McAfee Anti-Virus for 3 computers through Bank of America.

The million dollar question is how do I remember to cancel free trials before they actually charge your credit card. While maxing out your credit cards before they have a chance to charge you is always one option.

I have learned however from working at Big Chocolates law firm. The secret is to put a reminder to cancel on your email's calendar or cell phone calendar if you don't have Outlook.

Look out Monday for my Swagbucks update for January. I am going to tell you how much I have earned in Amazon Gift Cards this month and how. Let's just say it is pretty dang impressive.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So Is It Bad

When you hop on the scale and catch yourself thinking "No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies"?

Is it worse when you open online banking first thing in the morning and catch yourself thinking the same darned thing?

Monday, January 25, 2010

A Poem

My Mom
By C-Diddy
My mom is a circus
She does alot of crazy things
But one of the funniest
Is the way she sings
When she sings she is a monkey
She cannot keep a beat
You will know how true this is
When she tries to stomp her feet

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Am So Old

This is an old picture of the kids and Mar Dub's best friend (and my other daughter) Hip Hop.
She asked me "What is the thing that looks like a CD but it's way bigger?" this morning.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mother Daughter Competition

So Mar Dub and I have been fighting over 50 cents for the last 2 days. We were couch fishing for some long lost items and I found 2 quarters.

She wanted them, but I told her I found them and they were mine. I put my treasure on the kitchen counter where she promptly "found" them and proclaimed Finders Keepers.

This morning I go into her bathroom to pick up clothes and lo and behold there are the 2 quarters in her pocket where I "found" them. I scream, I yell, I do the happy dance and Big Chocolate is like WTF. He so doesn't get it.

Then I put the darned things on the counter again not realizing I was going to be stuck at the office and she was going to beat me home and surely refind them.

Oh well, I lay pretty good odds of recovery when they go back in her pocket.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Cool contest I found to win free groceries for a year

"I love! They have an awesome family calendar and grocery list feature!"
Hey, I just entered this contest on to win free groceries for a year. All you have to do is put in your email address.

Even if you don’t enter, please click the link to help me win. (I get an extra entry for telling you.) Thanks!

Breast Milk Isn't Always Best

On the top ten list of things you don't want a lesbian to tell you is:

"So, it turns out I'm allergic to breast milk."

As soon as I started laughing my ass off at her, she quickly followed up with the fact that she was feeding her friends baby and the bottle dripped on her arm and gave her a rash.

But she said it, so blog I must.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Cleaning out the Freezer

Big Chocolate is participating in a 21 Day Fast at our church this month. It's the Daniel Diet which is basically fruits and vegetables. No dairy, meat, fish or bread. Last time the church did it there was no caffeine allowed either. This time the pastor decide "bean juice" was ok because coffee is just a bean.

I can't do the diet because my Doctor is real big on me not detoxing anti-psychotics. Jeez, he's no fun. I was going to give up caffeine (and thus my beloved diet dr. peppers) like I did last year, but when coffee was on the table again, I knew I would just drink that instead even though it's disgusting. I wouldn't be doing it with the right spirit, so I am just skipping out this time.

Do you have any idea how many pounds of fruit and veggies a dude Big Chocolate's size has to eat to not wither away? Double that because he's been working out for 1 1/2 hours 4 or 5 times a week. I brought home about 20 pounds of fruits and veggies yesterday and I think it should last until Saturday - Maybe.

All that being said, since just the kids and I are eating "real food", our standards are much lower. I'm hoping that we can eat our way through the pantry and freezer over the next 3 weeks. This will cut our grocery cost since the big guy's are going through the roof.

I always have tons of meat in the freezer. I love to check out the "old meat bin" at Market Street and throw it in the freezer as soon as I get home. Heck I have 4 Turkey's in the freezer outside from Thanksgiving sales.

So far this week we have had Mac & Cheese, Chicken with Meat and Cheese In (Cordon Bleu to the rest of the world), Carnitas and Frito Pie. If I get my lazy ass off the couch and take it out I think tonight will be pork tenderloin of some variety. From their we have chicken thighs and spaghetti sauce to work through.

Don't worry we're eating plenty of fruit and healthy snacks too. Once I work my way through all of the "good meat" I have a ton (like 200 probably) chicken breasts in the freezer. I will try to find as many unhealthy ways to eat those as possible. Baked potatoes with lots of sour cream and cheese and fettuccine alfredo anyone?

Would it be bad if I considered the shelf full of liquor at the top of the pantry as part of my cleaning out goal?

PS. I just learned that caffeine does not follow the i before e except after c rule. Ain't that something.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Date Night on the Free (Almost)

I have had a great run of freebies lately! Which is great since the big guy and I nearly got a divorce in WalMart the other day over the apple juice he wanted to buy.

Friday Big Chocolate and I went to see Avatar for FREE at Studio Movie Grill. We did pay $3 each for the 3D upgrade and it was worth it. We ate at Raising Cane's for FREE too. This morning I am going to get a FREE Bagel at Einstein's!

All four of us signed up for the deal @ Studio Movie Grill, so I have 6 tickets left to use for C-Diddy's Birthday. I couldn't find anywhere it said it was limited to one per household. If you do, don't let me know because I have a clear conscience and would like to keep it that way.

Shout out to Common Sense With Money, Frisco-Online and Katy Couponers for the heads up on these.