My mother did NOT try to kill me this weekend by coming over to my house after visiting a friend with dogs. My eyes did NOT start to swell shut while we were sitting together on the couch.
I did NOT have a full blown allergy and asthma meltdown resulting from this interaction. Even if I did, I would NOT accidentally blow my nose in a used dryer sheet instead of a Kleenex. That would have been stupid and irritating to my already sore nose.
I really would NOT have seriously considered sticking my head in the hinged door that said WASTE and was only 3 feet off the floor at the Post Office when my albuterol, benedryl and dayquill cocktail overwhelmed me. I most certainly would NOT have been excited about all of the calories I must have been burning from the meth factory in my stomach.
I definitely would NOT still sound like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle two days later. I was NEVER that sick, little, red-faced asthma kid you made fun of in elementary school.